When God Sends a Train

I have never blogged about this topic before. It is because I have to open up and be very personal about my life and an experience in my past. In my old blog I had eluded to the subject a time or two but never felt pressed to share until now. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with the subject on my mind and felt burdened to write about it. 

On February 16, 1985 I was in a car train collision at an unguarded railroad crossing in a small rural town. I was a passenger not the driver. The crossing was on a gravel road, at a strange angle and a driver had to pull up almost onto the tracks to see both ways if a train was coming or not. (Since then, the crossing was closed by the state due to its danger) I was 18 years old and a senior in high school. The driver was a friend of mine and had graduated the previous year. Before anyone jumps the gun wondering...no we were not out partying or anything like that. It was mid day as a matter of fact. Somewhere between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. (not recalling exact time) and had went to the local convenience store to get some food to eat or munch on. Imagine; a simple trip down a country road to get a Hostess Cherry Pie and my life was forever changed. There were two other passengers in the car. Both of them were 15 years old. Those two were best friends. One of those was my cousin who was riding in the back seat. The other boy was someone I considered a brother and who was the brother of my boyfriend at that time was sitting between the driver and me in the front seat of an old Valiant. I will not give lots of detail about any of the other passengers in the car because their business doesn't need to be made public by me. I will say that all of us sustained life threatening injuries and one of them (the boy I considered a brother) was killed instantly. His funeral was over before I was ever out of ICU and even told about it. 

I don't know how else to tell this story but to continue now with the order and way that the memories come to me. When the group got into the car after shopping and started back to the home of my boyfriend at the time, my cousin had the bag of food in the back seat and was handing stuff to those in the front as we started driving off. We were reaching backwards over our shoulders (not turning around). Let me say that this particular day was unseasonably warm for February and so we only had on light jackets and the car windows were down (and no radio in the car). We were just talking. As I was opening my cherry pie we started across the railroad crossing. I looked over to my right and the front seat was directly over the tracks. Then I saw the big green train and its light coming straight at me. Now all I remember at that point was thinking I was going to die and planting my feet against the floorboard to brace myself in some way and shutting my eyes. (No one was wearing a seat belt ...and it was before seat belt laws). I remember hearing the boy seated between the driver and me laughing. My cousin distinctly remembers me screaming at this point and saying "OMG do something. OMG". (I said the driver's name, which I am omitting for privacy sake) (Please know that I don't use the term OMG anymore since trying to live a life pleasing to God) 

Now, apparently the driver responded to my screams because I do remember feeling the car accelerate at this point. We actually almost cleared the tracks before impact but the train hit the back edge of the trunk of the car and threw it about 15 feet threw the air and the car hit the railroad crossing X sign and landed on its driver side. I and the boy in the middle were thrown from the vehicle. I was the first thrown out and landed actually across the gravel road from the car in the ditch. Paramedics said they actually only found me when they got on sight because they heard whimpering and thought it was probably a puppy. 

At some point I could feel people touching and moving me and could hear noise around me but couldn't see at first. It was kinda like when you come out of anesthesia. Then I could see a man kneeled over me and I asked what happened. He said, "Honey, you were hit by a train." I chuckled and said, "Why am I alive then?" Then I was out. I came to again and the man was using scissors to cut my clothes off me to get to my injuries. I told them not to cut my Cross Country jacket and then I went out again. I don't remember the ambulance ride and only vaguely have memories of the first ER I was in.

Because of the seriousness of the injuries we were taken to separate hospitals so as not to overload any one of them. The boy who died and I were both taken to the closest hospital. By the time my mom and aunt arrived at the ER I was responding some...even talking. I don't really have much memory of this but I do remember them being there. 

 I remember asking about the others but don't remember being given much info except all is well. As soon as I was stabilized at that particular ER my mom insisted that I be transferred to their affiliate hospital in St. Louis where my cousin had been taken. The doctors fought her on it and she finally went ballistic and demanded it and told them that our families would need each other through all this and that we needed to be in the same hospitals. Finally, the hospital chaplain came in and reasoned with the doctors and they allowed me to go. I remember this ambulance trip some. Mostly just the jostling which was excruciating. When arriving at the second hospital my step-dad had also arrived and came to see me in the ER exam room. He took one look and went out and fainted outside on the sidewalk! He had to get stitches in his forehead and my mom had to go through all the paper work for him too! ha ha I was coherent enough when he came back in later to my ICU cubicle to notice that something was different about him but I couldn't figure out what. (He had a bandage on his head) So, I was in and out and not always sure of things. I remember always being asked my name, what day it is and if I knew what happened. I pretty much always gave the right answers which was a good thing. 

OK, here is the list of injuries (just because I don't know where else to put them)...I had a broken right femur (thigh bone) for which I was immediately put in traction (which requires surgery), a slip fracture of the pelvic bone on the left (this could not be set because of all the other injuries so it is crooked and sticks out some in my back and causes my left leg to be about 1 cm shorter than my right...everything got shoved upward), five broken ribs, a ruptured spleen which also caused a collapsed left lung, a gash on my chin which needed stitches and a big gash on the back of my head near the crown but never received stitches but should have. My lung was tapped 3 times in 4 weeks because the spleen kept leaking blood. If it would have happened a fourth time they would have taken the spleen. Thank God that didn't happen. I was in ICU for 7 days and in the hospital for 17 days total. I was given a choice of remaining in the hospital in a body cast from the waist down for 6 weeks or having surgery to put a steel nail from my hip to my knee and going home in two days. Needless to say I voted for surgery! (the nail was removed in 1990 due to problems) It took a full year to be released completely from the orthopedic surgeon. During my hospital stay it was the most awful pain I had ever been in. I knew I had to breathe in order to live but every single breath brought pain. The pain meds wore off before more were allowed leaving gaps and catch up time between.

Now, when I went home from the hospital I was as close to a paraplegic as you can get without actually being one. I could not bend my right leg more than a couple inches but could move it from side to side a little. My left leg could bend some but could not move from side to side more than an inch or so. I began physical therapy weekly with the therapist coming to the house once a week and my mom did the exercises with me on the other days. At first I could only tighten the muscles and think about it but I got stronger each week. Doctors said I would not walk unaided by my graduation day (May 28), but I have a strong determination and told them "Watch me!" I was released from crutches 2 days before graduation day! I was wobbly but the guy I walked down the aisle with at the ceremony held my elbow to keep me steady. It was a victory for me and my family in many ways. I fought hard for that and God helped me through it all. 

Doctors also said that I would not likely be able to have children because they didn't think the compromised pelvic bone would support carrying them. They were wrong again! God blessed me with two children even though both pregnancies were plagued with trouble. I had grown up wanting to have enough kids for my own baseball team but that was not to happen. I got a girl and then a boy. I had enough troubles during pregnancy that the doctor that delivered my son when he pulled him out by c-section said "One of each! You are now done!" 

I know that this has been a long post but as those who are regular readers know, I don't like just sharing. I also like to help people to think and maybe even to encourage them. So, all that big huge long story to get to this....

That train that day made my journey through life take a detour. My mom and I always felt whole-heartedly that God sent that train to keep me from marrying the wrong man. I was promised/engaged to the brother of the boy who died in the wreck. I was supposed to get married the fall after I graduated. Because of the death of the boy and my own guilt the relationship didn't survive this tragedy and we broke up. God had to send a train to get my attention because like I mentioned earlier, I am determined and very stubborn (especially back then). Even though I had felt some uneasiness about the situation I was in with the guy, I shoved the feelings back and pressed forward. Really it was because I wanted desperately to be loved and felt no one else would want me. (the guy had helped plant those seeds of doubt in my mind but that is another post for another day) Those uneasy feelings that were plaguing me were whispers from God. ...The still small voice. God always starts with whispers and moves to strong winds and mightier winds and then tornadoes or freight trains or whatever will get your attention. I try hard to pay closer attention to the whispers of God in my life since becoming a Christian. It sure makes life easier! :)

The past several weeks have felt like another freight train has come. The loss of our church and part of my identity as a pastor's wife has left me feeling lost and unstable. It has been nice having a break from all the responsibility but it feels strange. I am, so far, remaining surprisingly calm about our finances. I am not sure how to pay the bills but am praying and trusting God to supply somehow. 

I have had a few bluegrass songs and a couple others that have helped my wounded soul. Here are the lyrics to one of them...

I Will Trust You Lord

It's funny how we do it, compartmentalize

We plan for success and try to pass the pain right by.

But it just doesn't work that way

God has a different plan,

He works in ways we'd never see

Beyond the scope of man.

Chorus:

When the journey takes a detour unexpectedly

and I try to accept and understand what it all means,

when I'm pressed to show the world

what I really believe, I will trust you Lord.

When my heart begins to faint because 

I see a life so fray,

and I my soul cries out "Oh Lord how long can

I keep this at bay?"

In the fiercest part of battle,

When my feet don't want to stay

I will trust you Lord with my life.

I may not understand it, and even question why.

What good can ever come from this

has even crossed my mind

but God's teaching me to trust Him more

as He works His will in me

I rest securely in his care

and surrender sure is sweet!

Chorus

This song says what you need to do when God sends a train. When He sends a detour unexpectedly you must trust Him with your life. 

Palms Up

Let me say that I have blogged about this topic before but not sure if on this blog or my old one. Either way, it is on my heart lately and I was reminded of it during the message at church last night, so I'm writing about it again. I'm sure there will be new ideas displayed in this post that are different than the last time I posted about it.

 The way we humble ourselves to God is to submit. It means to decide to allow God to work in us and through us however He chooses to work. Often times this experience is painful for us but we must just remember His love for us and that He is molding, shaping, strengthening and teaching us. If we remember this, then it is easier to not fret and to allow whatever is happening to happen. Even if we don't understand what is going on, remembering these facts will help us. Acceptance goes such a long way to peace.

 

Did you know that a clenched fist cannot give?! It can not give a handshake to someone, help to someone, or money to someone. The only thing a clenched fist can give is a punch. To give to someone else, you MUST let go. You must open your hand or fist. Last night at church, I was sitting there and was reminded by the Holy Spirit that I needed to open my hands and turn my palms up to God. (I did physically do this a couple different times during the service) For me, doing this is just a big reminder that my life and future are to be given over to God and that I cannot control everything around me. Turning palms up says "OK God I leave it to you". I cannot fret about how we will pay the bills after a salary loss. I cannot fret about where or if we will be in full time ministry again. I cannot fret about whether I will get to live near my future grandchildren. I cannot fret about mistakes made during our 7 years at Rock Solid Baptist Church or the what ifs or if onlys. I must just wait on the Lord and rest in Him. I can only serve Him today with the opportunities and talents He has provided just as I served Him before. Only this time I can work at serving better.

Sometimes we hold such grips on things in our lives that God must pry up our fingers because we are unwilling to open our hands and give it over to Him. Sometimes He prys up our fingers one at a time and gently but other times He may rip the thing we are so tightly holding right from us very abruptly. It can be finances, health, a loved one, job, home, etc.

What is it that you are holding on to so tightly? Do you need to turn palms up and let God take over? Just something to consider.

The Winds of Change

The winds of change is a term often used when someone can sense or feel things are stirring and about to change. Funny thing about winds. Some are soft and gentle and some are strong and cool and yet some are forceful and even twisting like a tornado.

Sometimes when change comes God uses a soft breeze to gently guide and direct you in a particular direction. Just ever so lightly nudging you on. These winds are pleasant and feel good and make you smile and enjoy the ride.

Sometimes He must use stronger winds that are cold and damp and bring sudden gusts that are uncomfortable. Usually this happens because we didn't allow Him to move us with the gentle breeze.

 

Sometimes he sends the tornado to twist our lives into chaos and turmoil and quickly change things up. This also can be due to not allowing yourself to move with the earlier winds but sometimes they just come because it is part of God's plan to mold and shape you and rip you from a particular path and quickly move you where He wants you. He is always at work and no matter which wind He sends, you can trust that it is for your good and for His glory even when you don't understand.

This week I feel like the tornado ripped through and not only will I have to wait for debris to be cleared and for wounds I received during to heal but I must also wait for a clear path to go down on that future gentle breeze which I know God will send again. Praise God nothing comes to stay on this earth. For all things come to pass.

Tonight, the remaining faithful members decided to close Rock Solid Baptist Church that was planted 7 years ago on May 6, 2007. I do not have answers to the questions that many may have about this. I just know that we feel we gave our best and did all we knew to do. There were many good times, much struggle, many lives changed for eternity and many who grew in knowledge of God's Word. However, numbers would not hold and sustain the finances of the church even after downsizing almost 3 years ago to a smaller building. The church simply wouldn't continue to grow as it had the first two years, no matter the effort. It was a very difficult decision for my husband to make. He has prayed, struggled and agonized over it for nearly 2 years but just always decided to keep pressing forward even though seasoned pastors had counseled against it. The state of the finances of the church helped this week to make the decision.

This wind of change was a strong one for sure. It took with it a church, a dream, identities and a sense of belonging that brings a feeling of security. I feel a little lost and unsure of what to do except to read my Bible, pray, find a church that will allow us to heal (been there before) and trust God to give us another opportunity to lead and serve.

This is not the first tornado God has sent my way. There have been many in my life. He has always brought me through. Somehow, He strengthens me, comforts me, holds me up and gives me joy despite the rough times.

I'm sure that I will use this blog as an outlet to sort through my feelings and desires and try to figure out and understand where the path will lead as the debris begins to be cleared. I hope that it will be a help and encouragement to someone else as I bounce ideas and thoughts on here.

Knights and Heroes

Just some thoughts to share today.

Has anyone noticed the condition of the world and especially the USA? This week President Obama signed into law something that is supposed to help women receive equal pay. I believe this is just a ploy to boost his ratings and help the democratic party because it has already been reported that in his own White House staff the women make less than their male coworkers! If he really believed in gender equality he would live it by example. I DO believe that all qualified people, doing the same work should get the same pay. However, women should not necessarily be taking up those work positions that take away from men being able to fill the roles. I know that there are some women who must work. There are some women who are single and need a way to support themselves and their kids. My mom was a widow at age 30 with a 12 year old and a 9 year old to support and that was in 1979. While there are survivor benefits it is often not enough to live on so she had to go to work. But too often women are working because of a sense of pride, ego, wanting to climb the corporate ladder, to "be somebody", etc. They do not HAVE to work. They just WANT to work! They do not feel fulfilled staying home, taking care of the kids and keeping the house and helping be a support to her husband. Even tho this is what God says is their first priority! Welp, let me say that being a homemaker is a full time job when done correctly! Anyhoo, I don't want to jump too far off in this direction because that is not the point of the post today.

This was just a jumping off spot to the real point. I believe what every woman wants ... deep down... even if they are a big "women's libber" is this... they want a knight in shining armour. They want to be defended, protected and taken care of. They want a hero! The problem is that women have the attitude that they can do it themselves, without a man. "They are woman, hear them roar". They can do it every bit as good as a man and actually better. Then, when a man doesn't hold the door open for them in public, or offer to pay when on a date, or help them when the car is broke down; they get upset and call men jerks. Welp, ladies, the women of the world have trained the men this way! You demand your equal rights instead of the place that God intended for you...which is upon a pedestal with dignity and respect and nurture. You have taken away their opportunity to treat you this way by your attitude. You want to be in charge and have their place in society. You want their jobs. You want to even fight beside them in the military! You want to wear their clothes, their colors and many like it when men wear women's colors. Welp, as my husband says the world has for years trained a generation to "chickafy" the man and "masculatize" the woman to the point of there is no difference. We are all just people. We are the same. Well, in God's eyes as far as love and salvation goes, this is true. However, God made them male and female. He made them different with different roles.

I say, leave pink and purple to the ladies and leave camo to the men! Btw, you can shoot a gun with a dress on if necessary! Pioneer women did!

I know that women are strong and intelligent. As a matter of fact, I believe women are better at improvising than men. We have had to be. We have to learn to overcome because we are not as physically strong as men. Therefore, we have to figure out ways to get a job done. It may not be the technically correct way to do it but it will be accomplished! I believe we are the reason and the ones who coined the phrase "Where there's a will, there's a way". When I say women are strong, I believe it is more mental than physical tho it is true that if men experienced the pain of labor and giving birth the human race would have ended! hee hee! Some of the strongest people I know are women. They tend to keep going even through tough times and are less likely to give up than most men.

I'm rambling now and I'm sorry for that but someone who reads this must need something in it because the thoughts just keep flowing.

Back to title of post. If you want a knight or a hero, then give the man an opportunity to be one!

Good Enough or Best?

Been thinking a lot lately about standards. My own and those of people I know and those of the world. Everyone seems to have the attitude that God doesn't care as long as.....
As long as you show up for church He doesn't care what kind of church it is (I believe it should be preaching and teaching the whole word of God and correct doctrine), as long as you give an offering of some kind, as long as you obey regardless of the attitude that goes with it, as long as you are in a skirt or dress of some kind, as long as you go to church 3 times a week regardless of the attitude in which you listen to the preaching, as long as you take a turn cleaning the church building regardless of how you gripe about it while doing it, as long as you don't drink to the point of drunkenness, as long as you are not as bad as the person down the street or down the aisle at church....get the meaning?

Welp, I don't know how your Bible may read but mine has very specific and detailed commands for God's people in it. God cared and cares about the smallest details of everything. He demanded and expected perfection and still does; not just any old thing will do. He expects His commands to be followed. The story of Cain and Abel is a good example of what God wanted and expected. God had respect for Abel's offering which followed His commands. A lamb of the firstlings and the fat thereof. It says that Cain brought an offering from the field. Not the kind God demanded just an offering and more than likely not even his best of the field.

God gave very specific details about how the sacrifices should be done, about the smallest details of how the tabernacle and the temple would be built, about how the priests would handle things and how they would dress and who would be the priests. Men were killed by God for putting "strange fire" on the altar!

Numbers 18:29 - Out of all your gifts ye shall offer every heave offering of the LORD, of all the best thereof, even the hallowed part thereof out of it.

Lev. 22:21 - And whosoever offereth a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the LORD to accomplish his vow, or a freewill offering in beeves or sheep, it shall be perfect to be accepted, there shall be no blemish therein.

Not just any old offering will do. Not just showing up will do, not just any old clothing, not just half hearted attempts will do when you know to do better or more.

James 4:17 - Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.

I have long believed that with great knowledge comes great responsibility. And God does hold someone with knowledge more accountable than someone without it.

I believe that God wants our best not our leftovers. Not just half hearted compliance but full commitment. I'm quite sure that everyone of us has been guilty of not giving 100% or our best to the Lord at times. That doesn't make it right. How often have we said to our kids, "Just because others are doing it, doesn't mean it is right"?

We should never ever judge ourselves by the best others are doing. Jesus and God are the examples and who should be setting our standards. When it is not spelled out exactly in black and white and red in the Bible by God then we must look to examples, principles, and ideas brought forth in the Bible.

Some say that the Bible doesn't say not to drink alcohol but the Bible DOES say not to be drunk. I say that you never know which swallow will tip you to that point of drunk (by the way, buzzed is drunk!). The Bible says to be clear headed.
Ephesians 5:18, Romans 13:13

Some say that it doesn't say for a woman to not wear pants. I agree. It DOES say that a woman is not to put on that which pertaineth to a man. (nor vice versa by the way) The Bible DOES say that a woman is to be modest in her appearance and that a meek and quiet spirit is to be her ornament. 1 Peter 3:1-6 Now, some say that there are women's pants and men's pants. I agree, though since the 90s and the "unisex" idea came about rampidly, there is less of a distinction. I believe it is much more difficult to achieve modesty in a pair of pants. Here's the thing, Christians are to be different than the world. We have been sanctified (or set apart) so why not look it? Do I think a woman can be a Godly woman in pants? Sure. Do I think all woman who wear only modest dresses and skirts are always Godly? Absolutely not! But, I want people to know right away that I am different. Many, many times I have been in a public place and had someone ask me where I go to church. Due to my appearance they are convinced I am a Christian and that is why I look the way I do. I have asked them why they assume I go to church and that is ALWAYS the reply! Unfortunately, I have not always had my words and actions display the same thing as my outward appearance. I sometimes do fleshly things. Those are things I must and do confess to God. I was a huge tomboy growing up and despised skirts. Not til the second year of my husband's ministry did I make changes in my dress. I like wearing skirts because they remind me to keep myself in check and be more lady like. I believe whole heartedly that if I can't do it in a skirt - or at the very least in Culottes, then I don't need to be doing it. No more excuses. I don't really wear Culottes much anymore. Only on uuggh days or cleaning days and I only rarely wear them out in public. As I type this post, I am convicted further about my church clothes on Wednesday nights. I often wear a denim skirt and sometimes a sweatshirt. That certainly is not my best. It is what is comfortable for me at the time. I don't have a problem with denim skirts (tho some do) but throwing on a sweatshirt to be comfortable instead of a nice top is being complacent and not giving God the honor He deserves. I know, that I am the temple of the Holy Spirit if I am saved but we go to church to worship, to praise, to learn more about God and His Word and what He wants and expects. ...To grow in maturity as a Christian. I wouldn't throw on old clothes to go meet someone who I idolized on this earth.
I think it is funny how so many get new Easter dresses and come to church all fancied up on that day when it more than likely is not to reverence God, it is to show off to others their new duds.  Just saying. On Easter and Christmas the whole church will be fancied up as though God only deserves that on those two days.

Mostly, it is a heart issue. It is, why do I come to church? Is it just because you are supposed to? Do you want to grow and learn and become a better Christian? It is, why do I not want to dress up for church? You figure that God doesn't care. That He accepts you any old way. Hmm, re-read your Bible and see His explicit attention to details in every aspect. Why do I want to wear jeans? Why do I want to wear a mini skirt or a low cut top or tight jeans? You ladies know why you want to! Deep down you know! You want to draw attention to yourself. (the same goes for men who wear tight jeans and shirts that show off body build) Attention that is why. Well, you are a stumbling block to others when you do that. You may cause someone to lust. Someone other than your own husband or wife. Why do you not get more involved and help at church? Is it because you look around and think I already do more than so and so? Even though the Lord is burdening you in a particular area about serving in some way.

So, should we have the attitude of "good enough" or should we be giving our best? By the way, just because something isn't spelled out as a sin in the Bible doesn't mean it is good or right for us.

1 Corinthians 10:23 - All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.

Hebrews 12:1 - Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

Not all things are expedient (suitable for achieving a particular end). Not all things edify (to instruct and improve in moral and religious knowledge).

Some things are weights to us. They may not be sinful but if they keep us from better serving God, from prayer life, from family life (which God ordained), from Bible reading, from telling other about Jesus then they are weights that keep us from running our race to the best of our ability.

I think good enough or best can be summed up in the verse ...
Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Prove what is good and acceptable and prefect. Don't give God the left overs, or good enough. Give Him the best!
Jesus gave His best! He gave His life on the cross to keep us from the torture of hell!
God knows that we will never be perfect on this earth. That is why Jesus came. But God does expect us to strive for it. He says Be ye holy for I am holy. He also says Let your heart therefore be perfect with the LORD our God,...1 Peter 1:16 and 1 Kings 8:61.