Leaving and Cleaving

I want to talk about the importance of leaving and cleaving and what the bible says about it. First of all, I'd like to point out that the command is given to the man, not the woman! For this cause shall a MAN leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife. I wonder if this may be because men tend to seek a motherly type role for a wife? They often go from being taken care of by their mom to being cared for by their wife. Many do not ever live on their own and learn to develop cooking, cleaning, or laundry skills. Not true for all but for many. I've even heard preachers say that if their wife died, they'd have to get remarried quickly because they didn't know how to cook or clean!

Now, I believe it is wise for both men and women to leave and cleave. I even think that it may be wise for the newlyweds to move away from both sets of parents (for a time) so that they must learn to cope and deal together. It is not so easy to run back home.

I don't think that it only means physically leaving the parents either. Many move away a long distance but still mentally cleave to the parents. Both will make comparisons of mom or dad to the other spouse. Let me tell you, this is unwise and will often lead to an argument or resentment can develop for the in laws. Ex. -- "My mom didn't cook it that way." "My dad was great at car repair or a great financial provider" "My mom cleaned the house EVERY day." -- You get the picture. I have learned that even if you don't express these thoughts, you will harbor resentment if you allow them to creep in. Instead, allow your spouse to be who they are ---within reason. Don't try to turn them into your parent. Maybe your wife doesn't cook scrambled eggs the way your mom did---but maybe she fries chicken better than anyone else you've tasted. Accept that! Maybe your husband isn't very handy at car or home repairs but if he shows you and your kids love and care that is more important. Maybe he will be good at asking someone else for help or be able to hire it out. 

Just remember that leaving and cleaving is mental as well as physical. Cleaving means stuck together. (A meat cleaver is used to separate meat from bone and gristle) Be a team. A team that is on the same side, with the same goals, working towards them. 

The Hardest Day in My Dash so Far

It's five years ago today that I lost my mom. I can''t believe it's been that long because for me it seems like yesterday. Watching your mom take her last breath is excrutiatingly hard. I watched my mom battle cancer for 14 months, 9 of which was on hospice. Cancer, chemo, and radiation along with pain meds destroyed her body and mind but never destroyed her loving and giving nature. My mom was the most giving person I have ever known. I'm going to talk today about things we experienced as a family ...because I need to. ..because no one allows me to talk about it in person. People don't like hearing all the hard stuff. They don't want to hear the details but holding it in just makes life harder for me. Most days, though I miss her terribly, I function just fine. But other days, I have flashbacks and memories that haunt me. People tell me that someday I won't dwell on those negative things and I will only be able to remember good times...so far that isn't true. Yes, I remember fond and good memories but the bad are still there too. It's been five years! What our family experienced left veteran hospice nurses saying they'd never seen in 20 years of service. 

Because of all we experienced from the beginning of the diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer, I am leary and untrusting of doctors and hospitals. Before my mom went on hospice, throughout the entire time she received chemo and radiation she was told that she was getting better and the cancer was leaving. Even when she went home on hospice they tried to tell us that she was cancer free and that she was being sent home because of congestive heart failure. Chemo treatments are what make you feel bad during your battle but radiation is what does the most long term damage to the body. It can scar, it shrinks parts of the body inside and often has lasting effects. For my mom, yes she lost her hair and her taste and got very sick and threw up from the chemo but the radiation shrunk her esophagus and is what ultimately caused her the most grief. When she began having trouble with swallowing she was admitted into the hospital and they found the shrinkage and did a procedure to stretch the esophagus. This helped for a day or two but then caused a fistula to form (a hole in the esophagus) and she had to have a splint put in to cover the hole which meant that she would never eat again. She already had a G-tube so she didn't have to have a surgery for that. If she didn't have the splint put in, she would die very quickly because her saliva would go straight into her lungs and cause pneumonia. My mom lived 9 months without eating by mouth. Once in a blue moon she could drink a shake but that was pretty much it. She could not chance having to throw up which she often still felt like doing because of the chemo still in her body. 

I'm now skipping ahead to the final days. In March of 2011, I was having symptoms that sent me to the ER in Sullivan MO. Tingling in my arm and hand and a headache and vision problems. They did a CT scan and decided that I'd had a stroke and sent me to Missouri Baptist Hospital in St. Louis. I was treated as a stroke victim until the next morning. I had an MRI done without contrast and was reasurred by the neurologist that it was not a stroke because where the spot on the brain was and where I had symptoms was not conclusive to a stroke. What I had was a complex migraine. If you have symptoms on one side of the body the spot will be on the opposite side of the brain. What the first hospital was seeing was scar tissue from blunt trauma to the head I received during the car/train collision I was in at age 18. It had not been seen before because my scans had always been done with contrast and the die covered it up. Anyhow, my mom stayed up all night long worrying about me. One week later the hospice nurse called us to say that Mom was beginning her decline and wouldn't be with us much longer. We went to her and she seemed so strong still but she had in fact begun the turn. I have dealt with much guilt over this because I believe the worrying pushed up her decline time. Well, we stayed with her until the end which wasn't for 17 more days. Much much longer than any other patient they had seen. She went 14 days without food and I think 10 days without water. We have all struggled with feeling like we starved her to death but from a medical standpoint, we had no choice. Her body had started shutting down and even meds were not being digested and things were coming back out of her mouth. A couple of times in the first few days, we thought she would pass and then we would walk out of the room for a few minutes and come back to her sitting up on the side of the bed wanting to use the bedside comode. We were shocked and so were the nurses. Then about half way through this period, my mom went pretty much comatose where her pupils were fixed and dilated and she had no gag reflex. This lasted for three days!!! We expected and waited for the last breath. Once again, Mom opened her eyes and sat up, shaking her head. The hopsice nurse had told us to tell her it was okay to go. We were giving her permission to leave us. We did and told her that she would be in a better place and she shook her head no. Now, let me just say right here, that even the nurse had never seen someone wake up after dilated and fixed pupils and no gag reflex. She stood staring in shock as we all witnessed this. It was still about three more days before her passing. 

During the first few days of her turn and decline, while she was still coherent, she would grab my hand and beg me to help her. ...to help her end the suffering she was experiencing. She was coughing up blood, and bruising at the slightest touch, and squirming in pain. I would tell her that all I can do is pray for her. I knew Mom wanted me to help her die. As a Christian, I knew that you don't take matters into your own hands but I will say that the gray area here can definitely creep in. I and my sister both separetly and together more than once filled the morphine syringe up past required dosage but never followed through. Until you've watched someone suffer in that way, you will never know how gray this topic can become. You just want to help ease their pain and death is after all, inevitable. Still, I could not take my mom's life. I only prayed for God's mercy. 

I fully believe that God took my mom from me because I had started to rely on her for financial help and support instead of Him. My mom was in a position to help me and I most certainly asked for help when things got bad for us. Since her passing I have had to rely solely on the Lord for my strength and help. I've had to learn to trust Him for everything and for His daily plan. I believe this so strongly that I won't hardly even talk to my mom except to tell her I love and miss her. I'm afraid that if I talk to her too much, I will begin praying to her and my prayers are to be to God not anyone else. So I guard myself. But this fact doesn't take away that I miss her every single day and often, still this long later, pick up the phone to call her before I realize I can't. I sometimes dream about her and in those dreams it almost always seems to be that she is helping me in some way shape or form in the dream. Helping me hide from bad people who are after me, or helping me to find a good doctor and hospital to have my baby in. (No, I'm not pregnant but in my dream I was!) This just further helps me realize that I must still look to her for help and strengthens my feelings of guarding against praying to her. 

I'm sorry to anyone who found this post offensive but as I have said before, this blog is sometimes for my own therapy and I needed today to talk about what we went through. I needed to let it out to someone else so that maybe I can let go of some of the pain. 

A Time for Everything Part 1

This is a lesson I did for Kindred Hearts Ladies meeting. I got the idea from Mrs. Kelly Ball when she did my daughter's bridal shower. Some points are from her and of course I re-work lessons to be my own. I loved how she tied it to relationships. 

Ecc. 3:1-8

This is a lesson to help in all our relationships including spouses, children, friends, family, co-workers, enemies and God. 

We always say there is a time and a place for everything. Often we use this thought when realizing it is NOT the right time or place  to say or do something.
---I'm a firm believer that you shouldn't clear your conscience at someone else's expense. Don't tell someone you've wronged them on their death bed. It will only hurt them.

Verse 1 - God says there is a season and a purpose and a time frame for everything in life. 

Verse 2 - We are physically born and we physically die. If we trust Christ as our Savior, we are spiritually born and will not spiritually die. 

A TIME TO PLANT - We need to plant good seeds of kindness, encouragement, and witnessing, etc to our husbands, kids, family friends, co-workers and enemies - Gal. 6:7
----Men need their egos stroked, they need to feel respected. They want to feel like they are doing a good job of providing, protecting and caring

----Kids need us to believe in them, to love them unconditionally, to hear kind things, to hear they matter and are important

---Family, friends, co-workers need to be shown God's love- to be shown compassion, God's Word - may help get saved

Enemies should be shown kindness also -Romans 12:20 - Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him: if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

A TIME TO PLUCK UP - We need to pluck up weeds in relationships ***Nip it in the bud as Barney Fife would say.
If we get hold of and pluck up a bad seed that has been planted BEFORE it takes root, it is easier to get rid of.

---Some weeds to pluck up can be angry or biting words, critical words, condemning words, retaliating or hurtful acts
****EX. withholding affection because we are mad, or punishing a child harshly over a minor offense. - Col. 3:12-13

A good prayer to start each day Psalm 19:14 - Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

Verse 3 - 
A TIME TO KILL - In our relationships we need to kill bad attitudes quickly - Eph. 4:26

A TIME TO HEAL - Do what is necessary to fix a broken relationship, even if the other person doesn't want to remain close. Forgive others their wrongs.
--Eph. 4:32
--Rom. 12:21 - Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
--Matt. 18:15 - Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and thee alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
--Matt. 5:23-24 - Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the alter, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the alter, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

A TIME TO BREAK DOWN - We need to break down walls that hinder communication.
---Things that hinder: angry words, lies, corrupt - Prov. 15:1
---Prov. 16:24 - Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.

--Matt. 5:37 - But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.

A TIME TO BUILD UP - Everyone needs encouragement and to be built up once in awhile. Give compliments to people.
---Eph. 4:29 - Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
---Gal. 6:1-2
---Prov. 14:1a - Every wises woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.
---Prov. 12:25 - Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad.

Verse 4:
A TIME TO WEEP - means to cry 
Allow yourself to cry and allow others to cry - Rom. 12:15
---Women know that a good cry cleanses and refreshes. Women also know that group cries bond people.
---We should also weep over our sin & the sins of others -James 4:8-10

A TIME TO LAUGH - Laughter is good for the body and soul. Laughter releases endorphins and makes you feel good 
---Prov. 17:22, Prov. 15:13
Seems like the older we get, the less we laugh - we lose some of our silliness and giggles 
---we need to have fun with our loved ones

A TIME TO MOURN - includes crying but mostly last for a longer period of time and shows sadness in ways other than tears (loss of appetite, sleeplessness, loss of interest in hygiene)
There will be sadness in life and relationships. It is ok to feel sad when we have a loss or when others disappoint us or even when we disappoint ourselves. 
---Mourn over our own sins and sins of others
Psalm 34:18 - The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
---1 Cor. 5:1-3

A TIME TO DANCE - Dancing is talked about in the Bible even though baptists don't like to admit it. However, the only good dancing talked about is to dance in praise to the Lord. 
---Ps. 149:3, Ps. 150:4
------ I thought about that and about leaping for joy. Now women seem to do this better than men but men do jump up and down in glee at a sporting event. 
---Women kinda bounce and clap over anything that makes them happy or excited.

Just an Update

I only posted once in March and we are already in the second week of April now so I wanted to take some time to blog. It has been very busy since January. We bought a double wide mobile from HUD and are re-habbing it mostly ourselves. It sits on 10 acres with  small pond in the back yard (that also needs cleaned up and the dam needs fixed to  better hold water) We had contractors do the exterior work...new roof, all new windows, and we moved the front door to a new location to make it easier to add a covered front porch (which I love btw!) I so can't wait to sit on the front porch and read my Bible or hold Bob's hand. There have been way more repairs to do than we planned (cuz HUD doesn't exactly tell the truth with their inspections) but it will actually be in better shape and more sturdy than when it was built. I'm so excited to get to the finish work. A week or two away if all goes well. 

I did some over working during all this and caused a pinch nerve between my shoulder blades that is causing alot of pain in my arm, neck and upper back. I'm seeing a natural path chiropractor and it is slowly (very slowly) getting better. I may be facing a surgery if no real improvement after two weeks. It is my right arm and I'm right handed so it's hard to keep completely still and allow it to rest. Surprisingly eating meals is what causes most of the pain. 

When we get moved to the new house I will begin my detox and Candida overgrowth removal. I will post about the new health journey when that happens. It will be very difficult for me because it requires removing sugar from the diet. This will be more difficult for me than removing gluten so I'm sure I will have lots to blog about during the process. 

We went to Texas Easter weekend to celebrate our granddaughter's first birthday. It is so hard to not get to see my grandbabies more often. Three months between visits is hard. I was happy that Addelyn didn't resist and came right to us.

Both my granddaugters are cute and precious in their own ways. They are very different from one another. Addelyn 1 year old, is very self sufficient in playing alone. She's reserved and more quiet than many babies that age. She is very serious and alert and doesn't miss anything. She doesn't like to be held alot because she feels she is missing out on her exploring and doing. She smiles alot and sticks her tongue out alot (even in the womb!) She will sit on your lap but doesn't cuddle alot. She laughs and giggles less than many babies but she smiles alot. 

Lucy almost 8 months, is only reserved when you first come to her. She has to look at you a couple minutes and check you out before she smiles but she smiles quite often. She is much louder than Addelyn and will even get into belly laughing. She giggles alot. She also likes to cuddle and be held. She will lay her head on your shoulder.  She's starting to sit up and getting close to crawling.

Both are very smart and very stubborn. I pray for them daily to be healthy, smart and grow up knowing Jesus and to stay pure until marriage.