What Happened to Etiquette?

As I watch the world around me, I can't help but wonder what happened to plain old etiquette? There are so many things lacking and that haven't been passed on from the previous generations. I'm not talking just about manners. I'm talking about a whole slew of things. From taking turns, how to dress, to  hospitality. What happened? Each generation has let more slip away by not passing right things on to the young.

Now let me say right off that I am not always perfect at the things I will mention but I am going to work on doing better. I struggle to always do what I know I should. Some of it I wasn't taught myself when I was young so I have had to learn as an adult from other wise people.

The above statement is very true. Even if you don't practice some things at home, you should know how to behave in public and important situations. 

Our church has had a funeral every month for the past six months. What I am about to say hasn't just been noticed the past six months. I noticed a few years ago. People no longer dress for a funeral in the manner I was taught growing up. I have more experience going to funerals than the average Joe because I have gone to them on a regular basis since I was 4. I am 53 now. Also add in ministry life and there has been many funerals due to that. I was taught that you dress up for funerals in conservative dark clothing such as black, brown, gray or navy. Possibly hunter green was acceptable. It's a time of mourning. I was also told not to wear makeup or fancy jewelry. It's a time to be humble, to show grief and remember that it is about showing respect to the dead. Now days, people show up in shorts and flip flops or jeans and a t-shirt or even look like they are going out clubbing. Now I get times have changed and that instead of funerals we call it celebrations of life. However, they still look like funerals and there is a lot of crying and heavy grieving happening so why dress in everyday clothes like it doesn't matter?
Why not dress to show respect and honor for the dearly departed and for the grieving family and friends?

Now when you look up etiquette online, there are all sorts of rules and protocol to adhere to for many different areas of life. They stem from table manners, to office/work conduct, to social media.

Since I already opened up dress let's continue there. Pajamas are not for public use such as Walmart! They are for home, for sleeping or lounging around the house and undergarments are not meant to be used as layering or accessories in an outfit! There used to be a certain style dress called professional/business dress in an office type setting or an interview setting. Now it seems that is completely out the window. I have seen people show up for interviews in jogging pants or ratty jeans (and that was women!). The news anchors all dress in tight dresses as though they were going out for the evening on a date rather than in professional looking business style clothing. They used to wear skirts, blouses and jackets. You were able to focus on what they were saying instead of how much cleavage was showing or how many curves exposed. We once went to a school event where the principal got up and gave a speech. This was a lady addressing the students and parents and she was dressed in red leather pants and a skin tight red top with a plunging neckline. She also had on a piece of jewelry that brought your eyes right to her cleavage. I suppose that she was being hip and figured that people would be more easily reached if she was on their level. Call me crazy but a place of authority should be more concerned with displaying professionalism that would demand respect for their position so that all concerned would feel secure in their leadership. I personally wouldn't want to see the president of the USA give their state of the union address in a pair of shorts and Hawaiian shirt. 

There used to be a time when children were taught to SIT and eat, at home and in restaurants. Now, kids are all over the place in their seats (or not!) as they eat. They are on their knees wiggling and turning around and getting off the chair, etc. This goes on in restaurants, too. I see them climbing on the back of booths or getting under the tables or flat out running around. They are also not taught to use inside voices. Teach your child to sit and eat. They will make less messes if taught to be still for the duration of the meal. They will be more prone to eat rather than be distracted. 

Moving on to handwritten thank you or encouraging notes. This is one I struggle to keep up with. My sister always sends handwritten notes of thanks and has taught her children to do so (whether they want to or not!). Handwritten notes are special. They can be kept by the receiver as a keepsake that they can go back to again and again. I still have notes from years ago that I will look at once in awhile. 

Next, hospitality. What happened to inviting people over for dinner or lunch or just a cup of coffee or tea? Our lives have gotten so busy that we do not take time to get to know people on a personal level. I confess that this is one I struggle with often. Ministry keeps me jumping and zaps my energy and quite frankly I am pouring so much of myself into things about church that I just want to come home and veg out and have peace and quiet. That is selfish I know and I want to be more hospitable so I am going to work on that. 

I have been wanting to post about this for some time and I realize that this was more a rant than anything but I do still wonder what happened to etiquette. 

Being a Goad & Nail

A goad is a sharp stick that is used to prod along an animal. In other words, it is used to urge an animal to move forward. The above verse tells us that the words of a wise person will urge someone forward. This is the job of a preacher, a teacher, a father, a mother, or any other person in authority over another person or a group. It's the purpose of a speech. A speech is given by someone who is trying to motivate others in the direction they'd like to see them go. It is used to inform. 

A nail is a firm and steady holder. It secures something in one spot so that the object will not move. The above verse also says that the words of a wise person will not only urge someone forward but will also give them something solid to hold to such as knowledge or truth. It is much easier to move forward when you have sure footing to use to move ahead. When we are secure in our knowledge of a truth, it is so much easier to keep going ahead and goad others along with us. If we are not secure, we may waver in moving forward. We may more easily be distracted and may dig in our heels in resistance to even a goad pricking us in mind or conscience. 

As we learn new truths from others, we need to also be a goad and a nail for someone else. Matthew 28:19-20 gives a command to go and teach others what they've been taught. 

Just a thought provoker. How are you doing being a goad and a nail? 

Running to the Man of God

Today I want to talk about the Shunammite woman. I love her story in 2 Kings chapter 4. Right from the start she perceived that Elisha was a holy man of God and fed him and then asked her husband to build a little room for Elisha to use whenever he passed through Shunem. Elisha wants to do something nice for her to say thank you for her care and kindness. She asks for nothing and Gehazi tells Elisha that she has no son and her husband is old. Elisha tells her that she will have a son around this time next year. Later the boy dies after having a terrible headache. The woman lays him on the bed she set up for Elisha and proceeds to go see Elisha to ask him for help. The bible says she asks her husband for a servant and a donkey so she can "run to the man of God". Her husband asks why and she tells him "it shall be well". She trusts that Elisha will make things right and help her on behalf of God. 

I think it is interesting that when she gets to Mt. Carmel, Elisha sees her afar off and recognizes her. He sends Gehazi immediately to see if all is well with her, her husband and her son. They had a good enough relationship that he knew her from a distance and also knew that if she had come, there must be something wrong. Her response is "it is well". She had told her husband that "it shall be well" but once she got to Elisha she said "it is well". At that point in time it was not yet well. Her son was still dead, but she trusted that Elisha would do something to change that scenario. Guess what! He did! 

I know that we no longer have prophets like in Old Testament times but we do have pastors that God provides to give us help in counseling, guidance, and training. A pastor is to be the under-shepherd to take care of the flock. It amazes me how often church members do not utilize this! Many of the flock have problems or need guidance yet they go ahead alone or seek counsel from friends and family rather than the person whom God has given to give the help. I understand that God gives us people in our lives who can be a great support and many may even give biblical advice but God intends for a pastor to be a source of help. If you remember, the Shunammite woman didn't seek help from her husband other than permission to run to the man of God. She went straight to the person she felt had the most pull with God in her life. The one who could give the best help. 

Many church members keep themselves at a distance to the pastor and pastor's wife. They don't let us in. They keep their lives secret and don't share anything. This makes it hard to recognize when they have a problem. It also makes it harder to offer help or counsel because we know nothing of the details of their lives. My husband has been in full time ministry since 2003. In all those years there have only been a few people come to him for advice or counsel. As a matter of fact he had more people ask when he was an associate pastor than as a pastor. We are never sure what to think of that. Is it because members don't want the pastor knowing what is happening in their lives? Is it because they don't trust what he will say? Is it because they think they know what he will say and don't want to hear it? Some people don't like to ask the pastor because "he's so busy and I don't want to bother him". Guess what, that's part of his job! God says so! If a pastor ever acts put out because someone needs help, it may be time for him to get out of the ministry. 

I think people should be like the Shunammite woman and run to the man of God where she was confident she would find help. If you are not confident in your pastor, maybe it's time to find a different church where you can be confident in a leader. Not every church is a good fit for every person. Just saying! 

Learning to Lay Down FOR the "With Mes"

A few months ago I attended a ladies retreat and one of the messages has inspired this post. The speaker told a story of a man who was dying of cancer and on hospice. His sister had moved in to care for him. She thought that she was doing everything just right. She tended to his every need with scheduled meds, meals, laundry, house cleaning, bathing and dressing. However, one day he was having a particularly alert day and as the sister approached his bed to check on him, he grabbed her arm and said "lay down with me". She resisted at first but the man pained himself to move over in the bed and so she climbed into the bed and put her arm under his neck and around his shoulders. He pressed against her and cried and then smiled and drifted off to sleep. 

The sister quickly realized that while she was busy tending to her brother's daily needs she had neglected his most important need. Just being present with him and hugging him. Touch is such a very important part of love and life. It's why now when babies are born they are instantly placed on mom's chest, skin to skin, for the bonding moments. 

We tend to do that, don't we? We think that being busy doing for people is exactly the same as spending time with them. While it may be a showing of love because after all labor is that; it is not the same as conversation, touch and just being present for them. Sometimes what is needed most is your presence. Just being there, up close and personal. 

Many parents are so busy climbing the corporate ladder that they do not ever spend any time with their children. They are allowing other people to raise their kids. They miss important activities the kids are involved in doing such as sports, plays, birthday parties, graduations, etc.  

Many people wait until someone is about to die before they bother to spend any time with the loved one. They may only live a couple miles away but still rarely see them. Btw, if someone you love is on hospice, one of the best things you can do for them is allow them to talk. Let them talk about anything and everything they desire. If they want to talk about olden days, let them. If they want to talk about their funeral arrangements, let them. If they want to talk about their fears, let them! Just be a good listener. It's important to them and for them! 

Be the person who frees their time to let them talk to you. 

In order to be there for the "with mes", we must lay down the busy daily tasks that in the grand scheme of things, absolutely do not matter! Don't believe me? Ask the person who is coming to the end of their life if it matters if the floors are sparkling clean or if the hours worked to make money was worth missing out on life events. Ask the child who is sad and hurt because mom, dad, grandparent or someone else they love wasn't at their Christmas play or track race or football game or baseball game. Memories are much more important than money and toys. 

This final pic should be a daily prayer. Not just the removal of burdens in our minds but also to remove the barren busyness that consumes our lives and gets in the way of the really important stuff. Our church has had 4 funerals directly related to our congregation this year. Three of them have been since September! We only have a congregation of about 30 people and many are related so each funeral hits very hard. We have two more coming pretty quickly, possibly before the end of the year and it's the first week of December. I can allow myself to get sidetracked doing daily life tasks or I can choose to be there for those who are hurting. I will fight to do the latter. 

Voting No Confidence

"A vote of no confidence" is a phrase used to explain when a group decides that a leader is no longer capable of performing their duties and the group casts a vote to remove them from office. It's basically a political coup. This can also be done through the American voting system by voting out the previous leader when you are not satisfied with their performance and electing a new one. 

However, people often unknowingly or sometimes intentionally give a vote of no confidence by refusing to show up. Some voters refuse to show up to the voting places and cast their ballots because they don't like any of the candidates. They have no confidence in any of the choices. People don't show up for their court hearings because they have no confidence in the legal justice system. 

I recently watched a TV show in which a police commissioner was supposed to conduct a news conference with the mayor to show a unified front and the mayor didn't show up. The commissioner was upset and made the remark that it was a "vote of no confidence" in him. 

That statement made me think that it is the same with church attendance. When people lay out of church and church activities, it can relay a message to the pastor as a vote of no confidence. No confidence in his preaching and teaching, and no confidence in his vision, goals and direction of the church. Pastors all across the United States are discouraged and feeling defeated because there are a bunch of no shows week after week. Now maybe you may think that he should look inward to see if there is reason for a vote of no confidence. I don't know very many pastors who are so arrogant that they wouldn't look inward first. They question what they may be doing wrong. What they can do different or how they can better reach, disciple and motivate people. 

I believe the people of the USA have become so nonchalant in their Christianity that they think it's okay not to be faithful to church. They think it's okay to engage in pet sins and that God just winks at it since they have accepted God's gift of salvation. Church attendance is fit in whenever it's convenient and doesn't interfere with any other plans.  In other countries, where maybe the Bible is outlawed or not readily available, or it's illegal to be a Christian or go to church, the people will do whatever necessary to have God's written Word or hear it preached. Many put their lives on the line to do so. 

In some ways the USA is hindered because we have open access to the Bible and to church. It's so readily available that it's taken for granted. God's Word isn't precious to many. Being able to go to church and worship openly isn't precious to people. To many it's an obligation, a duty and even an inconvenience that is put up with. When you go to church like that, not expecting to be blessed and learn then you probably won't be blessed and won't grow. 

I hope if you are reading this post that you will consider it when you are thinking about skipping church. Dig deep and ask yourself why you are willing to skip. Is it because you don't have confidence in your pastor? If the answer is yes, then you should talk to him and see what can be changed or you can find a different church to attend. Either way, you should be in church to grow and learn and share the burdens of others. 

Home - What is it?

So, I want to delve into this "home" topic. Home means different things to different people. For me, it mostly means a refuge, a safe place where there is unconditional love and acceptance. It very much involves being where my husband is. It's a place to shut out the world and feel safe. However, for me home also includes not just where I currently reside here in Oklahoma but also Missouri (God's country!) where I was born and raised. Sometimes it means the house I grew up in or my grandparent's house and their camping lot on the river. See, it's an environment. It's the places where fond memories reside and love and fun are what sweeps through my mind when I think of them or return to them. 

I realize that for some people home means something much different. The thought of home is haunting and causes anxiety. For children who are abused, or left to care for themselves on a daily basis or that go hungry when at home, don't have a safe feeling about "home". For those children who have to move often because the parents keep getting evicted or whatever, home has no real meaning other than possibly a place to live or sleep. My husband and I have worked in the bus ministry at several churches over the years and have seen what some kids must deal with on a daily basis. When a child doesn't want to go home and asks if they can stay on the bus and be let off last or go home with us, it's a good signal that something isn't right at home. Those same kids have come to church with dark circles and hallowed eyes, uncombed hair and often have obviously not bathed in days because they smell. It would break our hearts. It's sad that some kids have no good feelings of home. When they become adults they have no good memories of love and safety associated with what was home. 

I'm very grateful that my meaning of home brings good, warm, loving memories and a remembrance of safety. What does home mean for you? What kind of meaning of home are you helping your children to associate with? 

Just a little thought provoker.

Consideration is Out the Window

We live in an age where it seems consideration of others no longer exists. At least not on a regular basis. I guess it started in the 1980s and 90s with the so called "me generation". That's when I first remember hearing that term. It was all about me... what I want, what I need, what I think. This idea has exploded into what we see today in the "my rights" generation. "I got my rights!" Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news for those folks, but your rights stop where mine begin! And, therein lies the problem. It seems that the only rights that matter are to the ones screaming the loudest and holding the protests. It has become such an "entitled" world that every person walking thinks they have a right to whatever they want, whenever they want, no matter the law or another person's feelings.

People no longer think anymore. They don't stop and consider that their words and actions have consequences to other people. This happens with spouses, parent/children, siblings, friends, boss/employee relationships and even amongst church families. Everyone is too busy with their OWN lives, trials, and desires to consider the others in their lives.

Let me give some examples... 

spouses don't bother to call when they are going to be late, friends don't think to invite and include another friend, children don't check on parents because they are too busy, 

parents make family plans without asking what works for the children,

siblings want help or time spent but don't reciprocate 

bosses don't consider the time away from an employee's family when demanding overtime, 

employees don't care if they show up late for work putting stress on bosses and coworkers, 

church members don't check on one another when someone is sick or struggling. --

People in general are so wrapped up in themselves that they "don't think" about how to be a help or a blessing to someone else. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Oh, I didn't think about it" when it comes to something about or at the church or about checking on someone who is struggling physically or mentally. I have been guilty at times myself because sometimes I have had my own struggles. But the problem is that usually it's more a matter of just not giving it any consideration rather than having their own struggles. It's a "Me" world! It's an "I want" world. This has lead to all consideration of others going right out the window! 

Kindness comes from being considerate of someone else! 

Just a little thought provoker. How are you doing? Are you considerate of others?