Letting God Be Enough

 

My pastor has been preaching some sermons lately from the book of Job. They haven't been verse by verse, line by line expository messages. I think that is a good thing and personally believe that solely expository preaching is over-rated! They have been messages more on thoughts and topics found in the book of Job. Yesterday's sermons and especially the evening message helped me in many ways. 

I have been struggling for months and possibly even years mentally and now I know spiritually with what I believe or what I thought I believed about God and His attributes and what His Word says and how it is applicable to my life. This is forcing me to read and study and work on my walk with the Lord. I am still currently working through some of those things but yesterday's messages helped me in some important ways. 

I have never, as far as I know, struggled with the concept that God is Sovereign. I have long beat the drum and insisted that God created the game of life and that He makes the rules. He is owner, manager, coach and even referee! It's His ball game! 

I have for many years also believed and shouted that God can do anything except lie or be unjust. This means ANYTHING! He can work miracles and often does. NOTHING is out of His capability. However, just because God can, doesn't mean He will. The Bible says that He will have mercy on whom He will have mercy. Exodus 33:19, Romans 9:15 and Romans 9:18. I fully believe that my God is big enough to do anything and handle anything in my life. 

What I realized last night was that I have struggled with Him being enough for me. Pastor posed the questions, "Is God enough if He takes everything from you? If He takes your health, wealth, spouse, parents or children, is God enough? If friends and family are not supportive or turn their backs on you, is God still enough? Is He enough to sustain you? Is He enough to cling to and keep going?" At that moment I felt God tugging at my heart and whispering in my mind, "Tammy, am I enough?" It was a scary question for me. If I answered, "Yes. You are enough, God", would He test me to see if I meant it? Would He begin taking more from me and my life than He already had? I quickly realized that God HAD to be enough. I must resolve in my heart and mind that yes, He is enough! I cannot hold so tightly to my loved ones that I put them above God in my heart. I think everyone struggles with that at times because our loved ones are right here and can be seen and touched in person. To me that is just understandable whether right or wrong, it is just easy to have happen.

Here is a bit of back story about me...

I grew up believing that I was plain and ordinary and without many talents. I was someone who was not too impressive. I believed I was not important except to my parents and grandparents and that I didn't matter much in this world. This carried over into adulthood. As a young adult I even struggled with suicidal thoughts and believing that everyone would be better off if I were gone from this world and that it would not even matter that I was ever here. God in His mercy and grace and in a very personal way helped me through all that. 

Because of these wrong beliefs I sought my worth, even until very recently, in doing for others. I believed if I just did enough to help others and made them feel special that it would prove that I had a right to exist. Unconsciously, I also sought praise and accolades in my talent of cooking, in my creative ability for event planning and in Bible teaching to other women. I also sought that in my writing both in my blog and in my books. I just kept searching for those praises to make me feel worthy of my very life. 

When you hold on tightly to finding your worth in doing for others and in praises of men (even if it's family and friends) instead of KNOWING your worth is in Christ who loved you enough to be tortured and die for your soul, then your heart is often doomed to ache. I know much about this because I have been struggling with deep hurt for months. I have longed for support and praise from people rather than resting in the knowing that God loves me and I DO matter and I am important. He has a purpose for me and I must rest and find peace in Him alone. 

Frankly, I have been having a months long pity party and someone helped me to see it. They helped me realize that I may not be as talented as I think in some areas and that was a hard pill to swallow. They also helped me see that I wasn't seeing the support that I was being given just because I was too focused on the non support of a few. They were right even if those realizations were painful to accept. The sermon last night spoke to me when feeling abandoned and or unsupported was mentioned because I had felt that way for a year or more and was allowing myself to dwell on it. The sermon helped me realize that God's love and care should be enough because He is trustworthy. My new outlook is that God must be enough for me. 

This is not meant to be a passive aggressive blog post in order to have people praise me. It is just a sharing of my heart about realizations and things that God spoke to me about through sermons and someone close to me being brave enough to hurt me. Maybe someone reading this will relate to what I have been going through and be helped. As I have said over and over, my blog is my therapy and is much cheaper than paying for it! It only costs possible critical comments. 

Life as a Fixer

 

When I talk about being a fixer I am not talking about being a lawyer for a powerful and influential family. I'm also not talking about a person who cleans up messes for a mafia or crime lord family like you see on TV shows or movies. I am talking about being someone who does their best to help solve the problems of family and friends.

These people, these "fixers" have deep desires to take on the trials and burdens of those around them. They become consumed at times with trying to figure out how to help lift the load of those who are hurting physically, mentally or financially. They sacrifice time, energy and money in order to help those they love and care about. They always want to fix whatever problem others are facing.

I know of where I speak because I AM one of those fixers! As a matter of fact, I come from a long line of fixers on both sides of my family. My mom always tried to help people, especially her children. Her mom, my grandma, was also a fixer. She always tried to help family and friends with money problems. My grandma on my dad's side lived a life as a fixer. She was always trying to be a help and make life easier for her family. She gave and loaned money and had family members move in with her so they could get back on their feet. I have cousins who lean hard towards the "fixer" mentality, too.

I tend to take on burdens of every sort from those around me. I have done so since childhood. I so desperately want no one I care about to struggle physically, mentally or financially. If I can help fix it, then I want to do so and often go to great lengths to help. I'm pretty sure that's a good thing in this world. The problem comes in when we ignore care of ourselves. We fixers tend to neglect to get proper rest, sleep or food because we get so burdened in our hearts and minds for our loved ones' situations. Self care goes right out the window as we listen to the trials and burdens that everyone is dealing with. We go about trying to fix their problems at sometimes great cost to us mentally and physically. We can make ourselves sick with concern and searching for solutions for them. 

I know that prayer and giving things over to God is what is most necessary. It is not always easy to do, though! Our fixer tendencies come out, making it harder to let go and let God handle it. This shows our deep compassion for others. I've not met a "fixer" yet that wasn't a compassionate person. Be grateful for the fixers in your life. It's not always easy for them and remember that sometimes your fixer needs fixing, too!

When Truth Hurts

 

We all need people in our lives that help us to feel supported. We want and need validation sometimes. We need to feel like there are people on our team or in our corner, so to speak. I believe these are needs that God has placed deep within us. There is much scripture to support this idea. In the Bible we are told to bear one another's burdens. We are told to have fellowship together. We are told to weep with each other and to rejoice with each other. We are to encourage each other. 

We also need people in our lives to tell us the truth, even if it may hurt us. We need people to hold up a mirror to us that reflects back to us how we are acting. We may need to hear that we are over-reacting to a situation or being too sensitive or just being a whiner who is having a pity party. Maybe we need to gently be told that we are not as talented in an area as we think. Sometimes we need to be told we are caught up in sin or not seeing a situation clearly. Both types of people are needed in our lives. 

There are going to be times in our lives when we won't have those feelings of support we desperately want. This can cause hurt just the same as the convicting truths cause hurt. The difference will be that one involves correcting oneself and making changes. The other involves forgiving those who hurt in their failure to give wanted support. People disappoint us sometimes. There will be times in life when friends and family will be too busy, too selfish, too momentarily spiteful or too whatever to lend support to us. It's going to happen. What we do with the hurts of nonsupport or hurtful truths can make or break us in any given moment. If not handled correctly, we will face mental and physical problems. 

May God bless those who are always there cheering us on and those willing to wound us with truth or constructive criticism, because both are needed in life! 

The Keeping of Our Parents

 

Each of us begins life with a parent or parents to take care of us. They generally make sure we are fed, clothed, bathe regularly and have a good place to sleep. 

I find it fascinating that God's plan was for things to reverse as we age. We begin life drooling and end it the same way if we live long enough! As our parents age we are suddenly the caregivers. It's now our job to make sure they eat, get dressed, bathe and have somewhere to get rest. 

Let's throw in some dementia and the scenario changes moment by moment. Now the care takes great patience as you are often dealing with a 150 lb or more toddler who can throw a tantrum as well as any 2 yr old. (As any one of us can from time to time!) The difference is that 150 pounder is too big to manhandle and put to bed for a nap! They ask even more questions than the toddler and are often frustrated by your answers. Confusion over where they are and who they and everyone else is can be an ongoing battle. Which can again lead to more angry outbursts. 

The mind is such a complex thing! One minute they can spout out their spouse's social security number but 30 seconds later cannot tell you when or where they were married. It's sad. As a matter of fact Dementia is a cruel illness that destroys dignity! 

They often become the poster child for ADHD and cannot sit still for more than 5 minutes as they pace the floor, open and close cabinets, move objects from place to place and turn fans and lights off and on. You think to yourself "My 2 yr old grandson is less active"! Then your heart breaks as you watch this unfold before your eyes over and over in any given day. 

All you want is for them to be who they were all your life. Yet, roles are reversed and you are now provider, protector and caregiver. Yes! Much patience and endurance is needed! The bible says in Proverbs 23:22 - Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old. Making good and right choices isn't easy as you decide what is best for them. 

The "I Don't Understands" of Life

 

So many times in life I find myself saying, "I don't understand". I don't understand the craziness in the world. I don't understand the nonchalant attitude of many Christians being careless with their testimony. I don't understand the meanness of people. However, I can usually shake my head and shrug these off and chalk it up to humanity and sin natures. 

The other "I don't understands" I must leave to God and trust Him and His plan. There have been times when I thought "what good can possibly come from this?" Even when I have had these thoughts and hurt so deeply within, I have still chosen to trust. As Job said, Though he slay me, yet will I trust him. 

Still, I don't understand why I have been surrounded by death all my life. I have spent time at the funeral home in support of loved ones since I was 4 years old. I don't understand why my dad died when I was 12. I don't understand why my mom got lung cancer 5 years after quitting smoking and then passing after a 14 month battle. I don't understand getting to start a church and then having to close the doors 7 years later due to lack of growth and finances. Then later I don't understand trying so hard to impact people in Oklahoma only to see the church not grow and seemingly having no influence on the people. I don't understand why I survived being hit by a train when my friend, Warren didn't. I don't understand nearly dying yet surviving COVID and others don't. Every time I find out that another person who has COVID dies, I feel guilty. It reminds me to be grateful and to try to live up to the second chance God has given. I also must tell myself that God decided to let me live and chose to take those others. But the initial pang of guilt is always there. 

I often don't understand what God is doing but I trust Him. Jeremiah 17:7 - Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is.

Isaiah 55:8 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

Romans 11:33 - O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!

God is sovereign. It's His ball game. He is not only the coach but the umpire, the team owner and He gets to make the rules of the game of life.

I hope this may help someone who is struggling today with the "I don't understands" of life.

Life as a Mule

 

Hello there! This is my first time blogging since my hospitalization from Covid and nearly dying during. I hope it will make sense since I still have a bit of trouble gathering my thoughts and articulating them. My short term memory has gotten much better but is not 100%. 

I chose the title of this post because I am apparently stubborn as a mule when it comes to doing what the Lord wants. This is not the first time He has brought me to the brink of death to get my attention and move me in the right direction.

 I have been quite backslidden the past 2 years or so, especially in attitude which then effected my works. I admit that I have not witnessed as I should and allowed myself to become jaded and cynical when it comes to dealing with flawed people. I felt I wasn't having an impact as a pastor's wife no matter how hard I tried during the last 6 years of our ministry. The last 2 years my effort became progressively less as I allowed myself to become discouraged at seeing what I felt was no influence or impact in others. Yes, I know that God only asks for faithfulness not success. I also know that you cannot make people do the right things or care or make right choices in their lives but you hope that as you try hard to live Christ-like before them and to teach them God's Word that something will impact. I know that this is something that most people in ministry struggle with and I am watching it play out as a layperson and not the one in charge currently. Even large churches are struggling to see pews full, get volunteers to commit to anything or help in any way and seeing the faithful few become battered and worn out. It has been somewhat comforting to know that it wasn't just us and that most churches are struggling. I suppose it's a sign of the times. It's not that the world cares nothing about God and His Word, but it seems many Christians do not care either. It's a "me first world" and "my wants world" and that has changed the church world which in turn has allowed our country as a whole to turn their backs on God. 

OK back to my title. I didn't even realize I was being a mule and so backslidden in my work for the Lord. I only knew I was exhausted and feeling like it was all fruitless. When you're heart turns negative and cynical you begin backing up and no longer being prompted by the Holy Spirit or you start ignoring the Holy Spirit. I know now that's what I was doing. When God has you teetering between life and death and you are coming to grips with the possibility of leaving this world and your loved ones, it gets real, quickly! I had peace once I decided I was OK with dying or living which ever God chose. When He decided to miraculously heal starting the next day, I knew once again that God had a plan and purpose for my life. As I said, He has brought me to this point before and I have struggled for many years wondering if I was doing His purpose and plan. Going forward I no longer wonder. I am positive that I am to share my healing story and tell others about the saving grace of God through His son, Jesus. I am also going to try to stop being a mule. At least about listening to the Holy Spirit. Being stubborn has it's place. It also means I will not back up from standing on God's Word or telling others what it says. It also gave me determination in that hospital bed to set goals and fight to go home to my family. I did whatever the doctors told me I should to gain strength; eat, rest, sleep on my stomach to help my lungs. Doctors and even nurses told me that my goals weren't attainable. (It was to go home by that weekend) I even resided myself to what they were explaining to me and that it would not be until the next week. However, I DID go home on that Saturday! The doctor admitted it was miraculous and said I was the first from their hospital to be so close to death and then recover and was amazed at how quickly. I told her it was God healing. It was all Him. 

Sometimes we wonder why God uses such drastic measures to reach some of us. I believe He does whatever He has to do. I also believe that sometimes it has less to do with us and more to do with those around us. It helped my husband and kids pray like they never had before and it taught them and my grandkids to trust God. And I will continue to use my experience to help to strengthen their minds and hearts toward trusting God no matter what God chooses. There is so much peace in this and ultimately we get no choice anyway. Why fight God? Obey Him, and have peace in trusting Him. 

Hopefully this made sense. It took quite awhile to write as I tried to focus my thoughts. 

The Everyday Doesn't Have to be Disney World

 

It's been a few weeks since I have had a chance to post. Life has been super busy! Today I want to talk about traps that parents and grandparents fall into in their thinking. For the past 15 years or more, I've observed and even caught myself getting caught up in the fast pace, create grand experiences for the kids so everything is an adventure and fun and exciting. We think this needs to be done on a very regular basis. I'm not sure if it's because kids today are so easily bored because they have so much access to stimuli or if it's social media creating doubt and guilt in us so that we feel pressure to compete with what everyone else is doing. For me, I think it started maybe because I don't get to see my grandkids in person on a regular basis. Now that we have moved, that has changed with one set of kids. 

What I want everyone who reads this to realize is that everyday doesn't have to be Disney World fun. Simple everyday time spent playing with them is every bit as important as these grand, exciting experiences. Kids today have so much that many of them don't even know what they want if you ask them an idea for a present. They all seem to need to be constantly entertained by the adults in their lives. All over social media memes go around telling us to not purchase toys or games or gifts but rather give gift cards to have experiences. In other words, get them passes to the theme park or movies or mini golf or zip lining, etc. Well, I think we may be doing a disservice to these kids by doing that. Sure, if they are children that have never gotten to go experience something fun like that, then by all means help them go have a great experience once in awhile. On the other hand, the more they experience, the more bored they become with life. They are going to always be looking for the next big exciting thing to do. 

My own children didn't need me to play with them all the time. Neither did adults constantly need to entertain me. Making them play on their own forces them to use their imaginations and pushes their creativity. It makes them self-sufficient. Children are pretty resilient and will figure out how to get something done if allowed the time to do so. How do you think so many learn to build makeshift ladders to reach the candy or toy or game they want?

Now back to the grandiose experiences, I am almost 55 years old and when I look back on my life and my childhood the things I miss most are not the great experiences but the little everyday things. I miss playing with my cousins. I miss them. I miss spending time with them. The everyday fun we had has burned memories into my brain that I still long for. Yes, I have had some great experiences in my time, but those are not what comes to my mind first. We played more Army and S.W.A.T (using whiffle ball bats and sticks as guns!) and cowboys and Indians than any group of cousins alive. Of this I am sure! We played and we played hard! Life was great!  We played every kind of ball imaginable and we made up games to play together. We played in the dirt and the mud and swam in the river and never felt we were deprived because life was so much fun!   Playing anything together was fun! We had rope swings and tree houses and we also had grapevines to swing on, too!  The girls played dress up and house and we played in a net hammock for hours! We went sledding in the winter, built snow forts, built forts and club houses out of cinder blocks, climbed trees, pretended to be in a singing band and sang at the top of our lungs. We spent tons of time in the woods and in the fields catching grass hoppers and having water fights and when my kids were young they got to do the same things. My point is, the movies, parks, theme parks, traveling to other states, zoos and zip lining experiences were few and far between. And guess what, those few experiences are not the things that I miss. They are not what I look back on and think made my growing up life awesome. It was the time spent living everyday with those I loved. I had great cousins on both sides of my family and both sides of my family were inner twined because my mom and her siblings grew up with my dad and his siblings. My mind is flooded with spending the night at my cousin's houses or with my grandparents. My life was full of love and laughter and I had no doubt I was loved even when I messed up. No one can ask for more than that! 

Fun and laughter can come right at home in the house or in the yard! This is what makes a memorable life!

Just something to think about. I shared my heart and my past today. Hope it makes you think and is a blessing.

Easter Changes For 2020

Easter is fast approaching and I have been contemplating how different it will be this year because of Covid-19. This crazy virus has the whole world on lock down making it impossible to meet and celebrate at the church building. This is especially hard on me. For years Bob and I have been away from our own kids, grandkids and extended family on Easter because ministry life just doesn't allow for us to get together with them on Easter since they are in other states. Easter is after all our most important holiday in the Christian world and it is important for the pastor and pastor's wife to be present at the church. Because of this, my church family has become very important to me as a surrogate family. The kiddos at church fill in for my grandchildren to bring some joy watching them hunt eggs and show me their new outfits. Bob and I are usually okay doing an Easter dinner alone but the celebration at church has always been important. I feel a bit lost this week. I would normally be preparing to do a lesson in our KJ class (Kids for Jesus children's church program). We would have been taking donations over the past month from church members of filled plastic eggs to have an egg hunt for the young kids. Everything just feels so off. Even though our church family meets together online on Sundays right now, my normal routine is messed up. I am not preparing bulletins for the service. I am not decorating the church building with special flowers. 

Yes I know that we can celebrate the resurrection of Jesus anywhere and I can guarantee that we will. It's just that the Easter service at church is such a special time and I am disappointed that it will not happen this year. 

I will wake up (Lord willing) on Easter Sunday and thank Him for His willingness to go to the cross, suffer, die and raise from the dead to conquer death for me. I will sing songs of praise in the car on my way to the church to support my husband as he preaches to the live stream camera praying to reach someone who needs encouragement and the saving knowledge of Christ. Yes, this year will be a different Easter. Perhaps because of Covid-19, Christians will never again take for granted and be nonchalant in their church assembly. Perhaps Christians will realize that the assembly of the saints is important and means more than they thought. There's something profound and uplifting to be together in church singing hymns, learning from God's Word, and sharing one another's burdens in prayer as a unit of believers who knows that the world of nonbelievers is missing out. 

Just wanted to share my heart today.

  

Learning to Lay Down FOR the "With Mes"

A few months ago I attended a ladies retreat and one of the messages has inspired this post. The speaker told a story of a man who was dying of cancer and on hospice. His sister had moved in to care for him. She thought that she was doing everything just right. She tended to his every need with scheduled meds, meals, laundry, house cleaning, bathing and dressing. However, one day he was having a particularly alert day and as the sister approached his bed to check on him, he grabbed her arm and said "lay down with me". She resisted at first but the man pained himself to move over in the bed and so she climbed into the bed and put her arm under his neck and around his shoulders. He pressed against her and cried and then smiled and drifted off to sleep. 

The sister quickly realized that while she was busy tending to her brother's daily needs she had neglected his most important need. Just being present with him and hugging him. Touch is such a very important part of love and life. It's why now when babies are born they are instantly placed on mom's chest, skin to skin, for the bonding moments. 

We tend to do that, don't we? We think that being busy doing for people is exactly the same as spending time with them. While it may be a showing of love because after all labor is that; it is not the same as conversation, touch and just being present for them. Sometimes what is needed most is your presence. Just being there, up close and personal. 

Many parents are so busy climbing the corporate ladder that they do not ever spend any time with their children. They are allowing other people to raise their kids. They miss important activities the kids are involved in doing such as sports, plays, birthday parties, graduations, etc.  

Many people wait until someone is about to die before they bother to spend any time with the loved one. They may only live a couple miles away but still rarely see them. Btw, if someone you love is on hospice, one of the best things you can do for them is allow them to talk. Let them talk about anything and everything they desire. If they want to talk about olden days, let them. If they want to talk about their funeral arrangements, let them. If they want to talk about their fears, let them! Just be a good listener. It's important to them and for them! 

Be the person who frees their time to let them talk to you. 

In order to be there for the "with mes", we must lay down the busy daily tasks that in the grand scheme of things, absolutely do not matter! Don't believe me? Ask the person who is coming to the end of their life if it matters if the floors are sparkling clean or if the hours worked to make money was worth missing out on life events. Ask the child who is sad and hurt because mom, dad, grandparent or someone else they love wasn't at their Christmas play or track race or football game or baseball game. Memories are much more important than money and toys. 

This final pic should be a daily prayer. Not just the removal of burdens in our minds but also to remove the barren busyness that consumes our lives and gets in the way of the really important stuff. Our church has had 4 funerals directly related to our congregation this year. Three of them have been since September! We only have a congregation of about 30 people and many are related so each funeral hits very hard. We have two more coming pretty quickly, possibly before the end of the year and it's the first week of December. I can allow myself to get sidetracked doing daily life tasks or I can choose to be there for those who are hurting. I will fight to do the latter. 

Your Worth and Your Cost

I read an article online this week that I am quite sure is reflected in the hearts and minds of nearly every girl and woman out there at one time or another. It was about being able to see the beauty and value in other females but not in ourselves. When we look in the mirror we see every flaw and when we look inward we see every character flaw, too. It can cause despair and negative thoughts and possibly even suicidal thoughts. We deem ourselves, because of these flaws, as unworthy of love or even friendship even though we deeply desire to have love and friendship. 

As females we are quite unique in the fact that we can, on one hand, applaud another while maintaining envy in our hearts. Envy that we are not as pretty or don't have the sexy body or sweet demeanor or we are not the great cook or do not have as successful a career as the one we are applauding. Our mind can be cruel to ourselves if we let it. 

We need to realize our worth and our cost if we are to move past this mental torment. When my husband and I worked with teens, (who truly struggle in this area of which I speak but are not alone I realize as I get older--women of all ages struggle - at least most do) some of them would confide in me that they felt worthless and like they didn't matter. I would look at each one of them and tell them "Nonsense. When I look at you I see the fingerprints of God". Then I would make them listen to the Christian song with that title. Then I would remind them of God's love and how He loved them so much that He sent His Son to die for them. If they had been the only one on earth God would still send Jesus because He loved them so much. That made them of great worth. Indescribable worth! 

When we see our worth as being established by God, we can stop feeling like we are unworthy to have love or friendship. I cannot explain why God chooses to make some people easier on the eyes than others but I do know that God loves each of us. He loves us in our uniqueness and desires a relationship with everyone of us. It is why He sent Jesus-- to be reunited in a relationship with us after sin separated us from Him. 

Now let's look at your cost. You my friend (and I) are very costly! Jesus gave His life to be our ransom. Our sin required a ransom (a payment for the release of someone held in bondage) and Jesus paid that ransom. How can there be any greater cost? How can there be any greater worth placed on your life than that? It wasn't His debt but He paid it anyway. That's the love of the Father and the Son. 

So, the next time you look in the mirror or have those negative thoughts that you do not deserve love and friendship just remember that you are not a one in a million kind of girl but you are a once in a lifetime kind of woman and very much worth knowing. Trust and believe it when others tell you that they love you or enjoy your company or think you are wonderful or whatever statement that you instantly doubt in your mind and heart. Close your eyes when the doubts come and remember that you have the fingerprints of God all over you! His love never fails and never leaves. Even when troubles come He is still loving you. He is always just and fair even when we don't understand. Just trust Him! He thinks you are worth it! 

Understanding Church Ministry

Have you ever had one of those "hit you like a ton of bricks" realization moments that comes from just a statement from someone else? I had one of those awhile back from my hubby when he was venting a bit of frustration about many pastors in general. Now, let me say that we have been in full time ministry since 2003, either as my husband being the pastor or associate pastor, but he has ALWAYS been bi-vocational (worked a secular job & did ministry) in smaller churches in rural areas. Therefore, my attitude had always been to expect that the church members would & should help out around the church with both the physical & spiritual labor. After all, isn't everyone who claims to be a Christian commanded to serve the Lord? The answer is yes! How better to serve the Lord than to help at church? Yes, but as my husband said in passing recently, "Pastors need to realize that THEY were called into the ministry not the church members he was given to shepherd. Pastors need to stop expecting that there should be weekly work days at the church building and preaching guilt about not showing up when the members have worked 40+ hours that week trying to care for their families, especially if the pastor doesn't have to work a secular job." 

Whew! This declaration made simply in passing, nearly knocked me over with conviction. I am going to be very open and honest and say that many, many times throughout ministry life (in every church since entering full time ministry) I have felt abandoned to do the labor. All the labor. (and quite frankly there were times that feeling was justified) I felt that no one cared. I felt that no one had to think about the church building or the things needing done in ministry because the members KNEW it would be done by the "pastor's family fairies" who would always be sure things were done. They could just go about their own lives and come to church when church time was and never give any thought to anything else. Wow! Putting that out there in raw emotion sounds very petty I realize. I am just being honest about how I have felt in the past. Many times over the years, I would grow frustrated, angry and allow myself to become bitter as I would work tirelessly at times at the church, all the while not understanding why rarely members would offer to help even when there were personal trials in our own family.  

I have always said how much I love being a pastor's wife and having that be part of my identity even though ministry life is NOT a leisurely walk in the park. However, when the conviction hit recently, I suddenly realized that I must not really love being a pastor's wife. I must not really love ministry life or I'd not let serving get me down or upset, even if I feel alone. I almost cried at the very moment the thoughts came to mind. I had let my bitterness steal my joy of ministry life. I had a stinking, rotten attitude and it was taking it's toll on my mind and body. Now, in every new ministry area we go to, there is the initial excitement of a new work and meeting new people and the joy is there and you have boundless energy to dive right in with both feet. But, as time goes on in each area, if you allow the frustrations and bitterness to creep in, your attitude changes. No longer is it exciting. It becomes burdensome. It is your own attitude that has changed, even if the initial help of the members and their excitement in getting a new pastor and family has waned. You are not responsible for anyone's attitude but your own! 

I suppose right here is a good place to explain exactly what is ministry. Well, in my Hebrew and Greek concordance (Old & New Testament wording) it simply means physically serving. It means to wait tables, to take care of necessary things that need tending. We usually add in the spiritual side, too, but it's the physical labor side of serving that ministry is referring to. The cleaning, the mowing, the shopping, the visiting, etc. 

I have had a much better attitude lately and remembered that ministry life means doing the necessary, the extras, for those God gave us to minister to. When I looked back over the years I realized that some of the hurt I endured was justified in feeling but my poor attitude in response was not! My bitterness was not. I am a pastor's wife and with that comes great responsibility, but we accepted the call into ministry not our members. 

Should we encourage our members wherever we serve to help and to be compassionate to those in the town and to spread the gospel? You bet! However, we need to be grateful for those who help when they can and not set expectations too high, for the call into full time ministry was ours not theirs.

The Voices From Without

A good while ago I did a post about the voices from within in which I talked about  how we put pressure on ourselves and listen too often to the voices in our own heads. 

Today I want to discuss how we can use the voices coming at us from other people to learn about ourselves and grow as a person. God uses people to teach us, to help reveal flaws in ourselves and cause us to think. 

I've recently had such a thing happen. At first, I was hurt over the comments but realized afterward that I needed to self evaluate because if someone saw me in this manner that I was hearing expressed then I probably needed to make some changes. That's a healthy, adult way of looking at the situation, right?? Yes it is! Sooo, now is the time to implement changes in my life to become a better person. I'm obviously not portraying the person I thought I was. I'm not displaying the Christ-like lady I want to display. I probably need to spend more time "studying to be quiet" as the Bible says. At any rate, this probably sounds like a New Year's Resolution but since it's May, it isn't. It's just a realization about myself that someone has brought to light and I want to change the persona. 

I hope that this will help someone else to see that when others make comments that hurt or even grate on your nerves, it may be time for self evaluation and possible changes. Sometimes what we think we portray to others isn't at all what others are seeing. 

What's in a Holiday?

Been contemplating some things about holidays and "honoring" days and did you know that nearly every day of the year is a "National...something...Day"?! It may be national ice cream day or french fry day or bacon day or international women's day ... really? I get some of the holidays...Christmas, Easter, 4th of July or Independence Day, Memorial Day, Veteran's Day, possibly even Labor Day but there are some that I don't get. Even most of the ones I already mentioned are mostly used by the world as an excuse to get drunk. Sometimes I think the government recognized holidays are just an excuse to take a day off work. I'm all for that! When I was a kid we got Washington's and Lincoln's birthdays off but when my kids were in school they combined them into President's Day and now Martin Luther King Day is added in.

The one I have been thinking about is coming in May. You guessed...Mother's Day. Ha, I bet you thought it was going to be Memorial Day. It is a day the government appointed to set aside to honor mothers everywhere. In fact, men are encouraged to honor their mothers and their wife who is the mother of their children. So, that's kind of a double whammy. The same goes when Father's Day comes around in June for the women. I get it. Just like Valentine's Day is supposed to be a special day for couples that gets recognized even though it's really just a money maker for stores and the couples should be treating each other right, special and with respect on a daily basis but on February 14th we are to step it up a notch and spend money so the stores can make a profit. Can you hear my sarcasm?! 

The Bible tells us in the Ten Commandments to honor our father and our mother....this means daily. This means all the time! And, as we taught my kids and as Bob and I taught to teens as youth pastor, it means honor goes beyond obedience. Obedience is when you still live at home under parent's roof. Honor is a life time commitment. Honor is what happens as a result of your character that reflects positively back to the parents! It's also what happens when the parent is not present with the child. Most kids can act correctly when authority is around (MOST!) but when a child does right when they think no one is watching...that's the true test. 

I was reminded this past week about the real way my kids honor me. I was reminded when my son called to talk. It is not always by them remembering to send a card or call on Mother's Day, because truthfully, sometimes life gets busy and they forget to send a card or call. Sundays are very busy (which is the day the government chose to pick for honoring parents...you know the day most have off anyway...including them!..except those in ministry or heavily committed to helping around the church). Some Sundays even a phone call would be rushed. I'm actually ok with that even though I know when those times have happened my kids feel awful about it. 

Here's what I know for sure...they honor me often. They are praised to me by others. This reflects what Bob and I taught them. They call me for advice on a regular basis. They call me when they need to vent out frustrations so they do not explode from holding it in. They know they can trust me to listen, to steer them when they are off in their thinking (and yes I do tell them) or to remind them to look at it from a different perspective. They know I am a safe zone. This honors me. I know for a fact that not all parent/child relationships are this way. I've been in ministry life in three different states and observed too much not to realize this fact. I am very thankful for the relationship I have with my daughter and son. I can talk with both of them privately about nearly anything. This fact alone brings me honor. I'll take it! It's worth much more than a card made of paper. The knowing in your heart that your child values you and your opinion is priceless. Hey maybe I should make a commercial! lol

So, for me, Mother's Day is any day that my child chooses me. When I am their go-to person. I hope and pray I never let them down. I'm sure I have in the past but hope I never do in the future. 

The Art of Aging

Awhile back I posted about what aging means. I want to talk some more about that topic. I want to give some perspective from a 50+ person's eye view. When I got out of the shower this morning, I stood looking in the mirror and wondered who I was looking at. Where has all the time gone? No longer was I 20 or 25 or even 30. That is quite obvious. Gravity has set in and time has marched across me from head to toe. Body parts are sagging, cellulite has grouped up, wrinkles and lines have appeared, and scars from former injuries or surgeries are also apparent along with gray hair. I stand there and look in surprise as I wonder what in the world happened. Then I give myself a knowing look and remind myself that I know exactly what happened! Life happened! Two pregnancies, one C-section, a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and oh yeah, being hit by a train happened! Gravity happened!

I also have to remember that even though my body has slowly deteriorated, I have also gained wisdom and knowledge. It's hard not to wonder why God doesn't let you have the wisdom with the firm and young body. Then again, maybe it's because you need the firm and young body to live through all the stupid things you do when you are young! You need the energy and young body to live through your mistakes!

Even though my body has aged along with my mind and memory, I get to enjoy my grandkids and pass on to them the knowledge I've gained since raising their parents. I get to have more patience with them than I did with my own kids. Patience is mostly a learned trait. It comes through learning in life that some things are not as big a deal as you once thought. That comes with age. Don't get me wrong there are people out there who are more naturally patient than others but most of the time patience comes through experience and maturity and acceptance. 

So, as I look in the mirror and get saddened by what I see physically, I am also happy to have my current knowledge and wisdom. 

I suppose that the real art of aging is accepting yourself where you are with all your aging flaws. You can set goals for yourself to try to firm up, trim down, color your hair, and anything else you want to try as long as you keep yourself from becoming too down and depressed as you work towards the goals.

Hope this gives some encouragement to those reading who are aging as I am. 

What Aging Brings

As I've been researching and learning about Hashimotos autoimmune disorder of the thyroid, I have been contemplating life and what we humans go through. Most everyone just sails through life living each day as it comes and not giving any real thought to the future as far as their health goes. Many set career goals even in high school. Many set marital or family goals, home buying goals, vacation goals, and retirement goals. However, most do not plan for a healthy future. I have long said that we eat, drink and breathe cancer and other illnesses but  over the past year I have realized we are exposed to toxins and other harmful agents through just everyday environment, including those in the medical industry. The medicines whether over the counter or prescription are full of things that may help aiding in the medical condition but then the body must also recover a second time from the chemicals it is exposed to with the drugs. 

I spent my life NOT smoking or doing drugs nor have I drank any alcohol for more than 20 years, yet in my daily choices for years and years I have been exposed to things that cause harm to my body. Daily choices of foods to eat or drink, immunizations, makeup, perfumes, soaps, shampoos, deodorants, lotions, cleaners, laundry soaps, light bulbs, microwaves, dental fillings, aluminum foil, plastic storage containers and cashier receipts just to name several. While the harmful agents are not necessarily harmful enough to cause instant problems, over time they are the cause of all future health problems. These things mentioned add heavy metals to your body, and expose it to toxins that if investigated for each ingredient you'd find poisons, carcinogens, and other toxins that eat away at the body system, especially the intestines which is what helps regulate all the rest of the body. If your bowels, liver and kidneys get so gunked up that they cannot properly help you eliminate waste from the body, it then builds up in the blood stream and causes major issues. Elimination of urine and feces is key to being healthy along with taking in of cleaner foods. Going to the bathroom is the way the body gets rid of the junk it has taken in so that it doesn't build up and cause problems in the body. That's why it's important! 

I reckon that in this advanced world where industry and technology have forged their way into rapid existence, there was no way to stop the onset of all the harmful things people are now exposed to in their daily lives. After all, people like easier, they like convenient, they like less work. That's how instant everything, prepackaged everything, more and more chemicals and machines have come to be. This is why we are exposed to BPA, GMOs, formaldehyde, agent orange style poisons, metals and allergens, ...because it makes things easier. It makes more money for businesses by creating shortcuts to the end result. 

There is a younger generation now that seems to be embracing a cleaner and healthier lifestyle. However, it is hard to stop the exposure to what's out there just walking around in life. BPA is in nearly everything you touch...from plastics to all receipts. 

Now to my title after all that long few paragraphs. Aging brings illnesses, body aches and pains, reduced memory, slower reflexes, slower thinking, etc. but also wisdom and knowledge, hopefully. Some of it isn't our fault that we were exposed to these harmful toxins and carcinogens because we were never told they existed. It's only been heavily exposed through media sources over recent years. It's kind of like how in the 50s and 60s smoking was encouraged. It was advertised as a way to relax after a meal. Funny how a stimulant is relaxing! I've read through old magazines and seen the ads though. Now we know more about the toxicity of smoking. 

Aging brings fighting off the illnesses and fighting to get healthier by making better choices. It can be overwhelming! However, we must keep in mind that we did not get ill over night and we will not get well over night. It takes time and we need to do it one step at a time even if it is a baby step. I believe my next step since removing gluten and killing off the Candida is to begin removing heavy metals from my body. I will have to go slow as I know already there is quite a die off symptom phase for this. I will do this with natural things such as essential oils, foods and supplements and maybe in the future chelation.  

A Time to Purge

Happy 2018! It's the first day of a new year. There's just something about starting a new year and ending an old one that gets people thinking about changes they'd like to make. They look back over the previous year and think about what they wish was different and what goals they want to accomplish in the coming year. 

This is the day to start purging. Time to let go and purge old habits. A person can purge toxins from their body, purge toxic friends and influences from their lives, purge bad jobs from career experiences, or purge sinful or time consuming habits to clean up the spiritual life. 

Purging toxins and cleaning up my insides is a goal for me this coming year. I have had two cancer scares in the past two years, both coming the past two fall seasons. Thankfully, both scares turned out to be nothing. However, in November I was diagnosed with Hashimotos which is an autoimmune disorder of the thyroid. I am currently at stage 2 of 5 stages. I have done extensive research and I am taking steps to figure out the origin and trigger of the onset of my Hashimotos and also to take steps to put it into remission and heal my body. From my research Hashimotos is usually present in the body and starting its destructive patterns for up to 10 years before any symptoms surface or show up in lab work. 

Today I begin by purging gluten and candida from my system. I am making Bob do this one with me because I think his system could use some cleaning up too. I think that everyone should clean up their guts because the gut is the second brain of the body.

There are things I plan to purge to get my mind healthier also along with my spiritual walk. Those for now will remain private. 

I hope this post will inspire readers to think about what they need to purge from their lives to become healthier in mind, body and spiritual walk. Leave me a comment on what your plans are to purge. 

Filling Someone's Shoes

I am someone who has always been given much responsibility even since childhood. I was often put in charge of my sister or all my cousins while the adult family members were off fishing as we camped or what have you. I was taught to be a responsible person even at a young age.

I have been reading through a book off and on entitled "Plucked from the Burning" over the past year. I don't get a lot of time being a pastor's wife to just read for my own enjoyment. This book is about a Baptist preacher who was the only survivor of a small plane crash in Missouri which took place back in the 80s. As a survivor of a car/train accident, I can relate to his recovery process although his was much more extensive than mine was. I'm nearing the end of the book and he had a chapter about survivor's remorse. Something in which he dealt for several years after the plane crash. I, too, dealt with guilt over surviving my accident when one did not. The author of the book was the only survivor and there were three other preachers on board which included the pilot. They were flying home from a preacher's convention. The man went on to say that for several years he would hold the newspaper article detailing the plane crash and which also included each man's pictures. He would pray and ask God to help him "finish their ministries". This went on for quite some time but then one night before bed as he prayed that same thing, he felt God burden his heart and seemed to put a new thought in his mind that said "Those men's ministries ARE finished. I want you to focus on what I want YOU to do". The man said he felt instant comfort and release from the burden he had felt for so long. 

As I read that at 4 in the morning (because I was having trouble sleeping), my heart was pricked and thoughts flooded my mind of "You are not your mom. Her work is finished on earth since she is now in heaven. It is not your responsibility to be her. You cannot fill her shoes, or replace her in everyone's life to fill the void nor should you try. Be the sister, cousin, mom, niece, and friend that you can be to those you are close with but stop trying to be her. It is not your responsibility to be the glue that holds the family together. It is not your responsibility to take over being grandmother to your child, or for your nieces and nephews. It is not your responsibility to take over being a mother to your sisters. 

As those thoughts came, I cried and had such a feeling of relief and burden lifted as I allowed it to sink in to my mind. I have felt for 6 years that I needed to step up and be all the things to everyone that my mom was so that everyone else can cope with life. After all, I am the one who is strongest and I am the one who knows how to handle crisis and I am the one who has always been put in charge to take care of everyone else so why wouldn't I step up to fill my mom's shoes? For the past three years I have been trying to do this long distance as I try to help my husband in the ministry here in our church. I fully believe those thoughts of letting go of trying to be something that's not my responsibility to be, came straight from the Holy Spirit of God.

The comfort and relief I now feel over this realization has brought peace to my mind. It will take a willful intent and determination to  act on this new realization and take a stand for myself. It will be hard to gently tell others that I will only fulfill my role to them as is in the natural course of things. I am not even sure that others realize that they have relied on me in this manner. Grief and trials of life make it hard to see things clearly sometimes. 

This has come at a great time because I have a need to focus on myself (not in a selfish way) but in a health issue way. Some things have developed that must be addressed and if I do not focus on fixing there, I will not be able to lend myself to others in the capacity God intended. From my research so far, this will not come quickly nor easily. It will take time for answers but I will have to be persistent, diligent and wise. 

Are you someone who is trying to fill some one's shoes who has left intentionally or who has passed away? Please give some serious thought to this post and make sure that the shoes you are trying to fill is what God expects you to do. In some cases the answer may be yes but in many it will be no! Live where and be what God has for you! 

Precious Memories

Precious memories, how they linger, how they ever flood my soul!...This was me during the storm last night. I was tired when I went to bed but for some reason I couldn't fall asleep. I laid listening to the wind, rain and thunder. I smiled to myself as I remembered that when I was a child and camping with my Grandma and Grandpa I would have been in the storm cellar by this point. Now, me, I was more afraid of the spiders and snakes in that cellar than the storm that my grandparents were petrified of making it through. I spent much time in that cellar, listening to rain, thunder, wind and watching the lightning and the river rise. Of course in reality my grandparents had warrant to be so concerned, we had actually all lived through a small tornado and I'm sure only survived harm because of God's mercy and grace. It was after that storm that my grandpa built the storm cellar.

From this thought came a flood of other memories of that camping lot my grandparents owned on the Bourbeuse River in Rosebud, MO. (My cousin owns that lot now) Life was so simple then! I spent the first 30 years of my life on a river bank. First with my mom, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles and after marriage with Bob and my kids. Then Bob got saved and life forever changed. I had such a happy and fun childhood! I drifted off to sleep remembering the times of play with my cousins and all the laughter within our family. 

Isn't it wonderful that God gives us memories?! They are pictures in our minds. I think that is why I love photography so much...pictures are memories. They are captured moments in time which is why I call my photography business (which is sorely lacking and on the back burner for several years now) Captured Moments Photography. It is sad to me to think of someday not being able to remember those fond memories anymore. Age has a way of doing that doesn't it? We are watching and trying to help some of our church family members deal with Alzheimer's and Dementia in their parents. Many of their memories are gone especially they struggle with short term memory loss. Every day and sometimes every hour is a new moment in time. Some are very stuck in a past memory and keep telling you the same story about it over and over. Other times reality has drifted to fantasy and comes out in bizarre speech! Oh! the stories we've heard the past three years! lol   

Like the song says, Precious Memories how they linger, how they ever flood my soul! Sights, sounds, songs, even smells can trigger an emotional memory that we've not thought of in years and years. Hold on to them as long as you can. Document moments of your life for future. You know that movie The Notebook (yes I skip the inappropriate scenes but love the story), is about just that. Before the wife got too bad in her Alzheimer's, she wrote down their love story and asked him to read it to her to help her remember. It's beautiful! Keep a journal to pass on to your children and grandchildren so they truly know who you are and what your innermost thoughts, goals, dreams and ideas were. My sister several years ago, gave me a book that helps me document this with questions and blanks to fill out about my thoughts for that day. My daughter gave me two different grandmother books and I have filled most of them out -- one for her kids and one for my son's kids. I have a mother's book too and given some of those to others as they became parents. Documenting your life is the best way to preserve it for the future! If you do not have one of these type books, get on EBay and find you one! Start today to keep track of who you are and what you were like on this particular day in time! Going back and re-reading them even in a year may give you great insight to yourself!

God Works in Mysterious Ways

Has anyone else noticed that whenever it seems this country is at an all time high of hate and fragmentation and division that God sends some catastrophe or major incident to put things into perspective for everyone?! Recently there was protesting in several areas of the nation where chaos and turmoil broke out. There is no doubt that hatred for their neighbor and brethren were at stake. Race lines have been drawn, political parties have been drawn, economic lines have been drawn and yet in the wake of Hurricane Harvey all that has been set aside and none of it matters as people of all walks of life come together to help. 

It's too bad it always takes something so drastic to bring people back together and show what really matters....LIFE! Human beings caring for one another's needs, giving sacrificially, lifting one another's burdens. Just doing right for a change and doing it in a heart of love! My eyes are teared over as I type this. This is the type of thing that reminds us of the Good Samaritan story in Scripture. 

Hey, search online and on Facebook for pictures of everyday folks helping one another no matter what skin color, economic status or ideals they carry. It will lift your heart as yes, there is tragedy for many but there is giving and loving of those in the midst of the tragedy. This, this is the core of what in the past has made America great!!! No one cares what color, whether rich or poor, whether they agree politically or not....they are just helping. Isn't that what Jesus would want? Everyday!?