Missing Mom

It seems as though my life is a blur most days lately. I have two weddings to get ready for ... one in a week and another in 3 1/2 months. The second one has me more involved than the first since it is my daughter and more responsibility falls to parents of the bride than parents of the groom (usually anyway). I haven't really been a part of the planning at all for my son's. I'm sure it would be different if we lived in the same state but he is 10 hours away in Texas. I have been babysitting my 7 month old niece about 3 over nights a month and she is alot of fun. There have also been couple's retreats, ladies meetings, etc at church to keep me busy. You would think my mind would stay too busy right now to be missing someone I lost almost 2 years ago. But, that is not the case. As fun as taking care of Amelia and playing with her is, it makes me wish my mom was still here enjoying her along with our family. I also see Mom in her face and expressions quite often. She would be so proud of her and the job my sister is doing as a mother. These weddings make me think, "I don't want to do this without Mom here". My mom was a really good grandparent. One who took time with my kids and talked with them as they were growing up. I know she would be so excited for them and proud of the adults they have become. .. Just like I am. Maybe all these moods are coming from it getting close to the anniversary of Mom's death in April. One would think that after two years the memories of all the suffering she went through for over a year and especially the last two weeks would have faded but they have not. It is a very hard thing to watch someone dwindle away and be their care giver and have them plead with you to help them and all you can really do is pray. Until you have been there and done it, you will never know what it is like. Some of our family's experiences were even new to seasoned hospice nurses. There are too many things to go into now and besides most people don't want to hear them, I've learned.  I want so badly to hear her voice and to talk with her and hug her again. With all she went through my mom was so brave. I don't know how you live daily with a terminal disease and actually be on hospice for 9 months. She went 10 months without ever eating by mouth and only rarely drinking anything but tiny sips of water. I don't know how you do that and stay giving and caring to everyone around you. It's not as though she were bed ridden and unaware for 9 months. That didn't happen until probably the last 5 days. So, she was very aware of what was going on around her, though I did watch the chemo, radiation, cancer and pain meds steal her body and mind slowly. My dad died when I was 12 years old two days after I got out of the sixth grade. It was sudden and unexpected because he had just had a physical the week before and then had a massive coronary at age 37. I may be the only person on the planet that ever experienced this but it took me years to have that seem real. To have it not seem like my dad was just gone somewhere in the witness protection program and thinking maybe he will reappear someday. I was at the funeral and saw the body, saw them lower it into the ground also but my mom was remarried and had another baby and it was several years after that before it felt real. I still start to grab my phone to call my mom and then remember I can't.  I just can't hardly believe she won't be there to watch my kids get married or to help Cassy with Amelia or see the twins grow up. I know she is watching from heaven but I can't see her smiling and laughing and approving while she is there. Some days I only want to lay on the couch and do nothing but think about her and miss her. It is such a struggle some days to do...to do the things I am supposed to do. I sometimes watch home movies from when my kids were little just to see her and hear her talk and also to see my grandparents. Many reading this may not understand how I can still struggle so much and hurt so much but I do. I have dealt with so much loss throughout my life beginning at age 4. When Mom first died I had abandonment issues and I absolutely could not watch Bob (my husband) walk out the door or I would freak out. I was terrified he wouldn't be coming back. It helped if I got him ready for work with making his breakfast and packing his lunch and then went back to bed and let him come in and tell me goodbye. There was something about seeing him go out the door that just set me off. He was patient with me though. There are just still days that I want to be held and allowed to cry and talk about Mom.
Most days I am able to do what I need to do but some days I just want to cry.

I just wanted to share my heart today. There are lots of good things happening for me lately but I still do struggle with personal heartache.