Letting Others In

This post is prompted by a blog post my daughter shared on facebook last week. It was by a lady that was writing about her own experiences and it was well thought out and well written. I have watched my daughter struggle ever since teenhood in the area of making friends. She has sat through many sermons and lessons about "showing herself friendly to have friends". She has always been shy but vocal about her opinions when she feels comfortable around a person. She was talking to me about her concerns a couple three weeks ago on not having any close friends living near her and about feeling excluded in her own church. (this is common in many churches tho most won't admit it). 

She was looking at the verse during a sermon she was currently hearing about having friends and making friends and the whole thing. In the verse it says "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly." - Proverbs 18:24. Well, something jumped out at her (I think the Lord was comforting her and revealing to her that it might not just be her problem!)...This verse says a man that HATH (present tense). So, if you already have a friend, you must be friendly...be a friend. This verse (tho preachers like to yell it) doesn't say that being friendly is how you GET friends. I know, that it is true that you should be friendly. But that only goes so far. You can be friendly and cordial all day long but that doesn't mean that another person or group of people will allow you into their inner circle and befriend you. Preachers also preach that you need to step outside your comfort zone and not be shy and just go up to people. Don't you find it funny and down right ironic that the one being asked to go out on a limb and change is the shy person?! If someone is outgoing then they should be able to easily make the effort to include, accept and bring another person into their inner circle. When are we going to hear a sermon about how someone should change and "tone it down a bit" from their over zealous outgoingness (is that a word?!)? No, we just want someone who is painfully shy and feels awkward to come out of their shell and become naturally bubbly and talkative. Here's a hint...for shy people that is almost torture! Mostly because they have occasionally ventured out and then been made to feel dumb or inadequate or actually been made fun of at the time. 

I say that too often it is the fault of the group (clique) who will not allow anyone else in or to get close. The new person is kept at arms length, never invited to someone's house for dinner, or on a group outing, or to a party or even into a discussion that is already going on in the hallway. If no one invites you into the conversation, a shy person doesn't feel comfortable barging in on a conversation. Let's face it...you can only stand near in silence waiting to be allowed into the conversation until you feel awkward standing there. You finally just walk away. Now, I do not have that problem. I can step into a conversation in the middle of Walmart with perfect strangers and not bat an eye. But, I was not that way until I was in high school. I made the varsity cross country team and gained some confidence. I rarely spoke to people to that point unless you were family and/or I knew you for years. After my dad died at age 12, I almost completely withdrew but then, I made the cc team and everything changed. Also, if I got angry, I would let her fly even as a kid. 

I have watched my daughter struggle and it is hard. I want to take the hurt away but I can't. I reckon my plea is that you include people. Let someone besides your "bestie" in! Make an effort to talk to new people (especially if you are outgoing) and get to know them. You may just make a new close friend. And, you will surely calm and ease that person's nerves and give them a glimmer of hope and joy in their heart to feel included.