Striving But Not Arrived

Not sure how this post will go but I will be sharing my heart. This time of year is always somewhat melancholy for me and has been that way for years, even though fall is my favorite time of year. My heart has been heavy for several days because I have offended someone unintentionally (and I actually am not sure what I actually did or said -- only told that I had). I have apologized but the damage is already done and therefore I must reap the consequences. As a pastor's wife, you are always put on the spot. You must keep your composure no matter what is going on in your mind and heart. You must smile through heartache, criticism, extreme pressures of ministry life even when you want to cry or feel like yelling. You must handle yourself with as much grace and tact as you can muster and do your very best not to be offensive to others. Now, if someone doesn't like or gets upset about something I am teaching from the Bible (and I am teaching it correctly and in context) then I do not apologize for what God's Word says. I never have and don't ever intend to. The person offended needs to take it up with the Lord not me. However, if I allow my actions or most likely my tongue to offend in my daily life in dealing with others then I need to correct myself and self evaluate. I also need to apologize when I know I have hurt someone or made them upset. 

While I believe whole heartedly that a pastor and even his family is held to a higher standard (above reproach) and that they are to be an example, I do wish that church members, friends, community leaders and others would allow for mistakes. We are people too! We are prone to sin, saying things we shouldn't, not being as attentive as we should at times, being inconsiderate, selfish and the list could go on. We make mistakes too. Really, the thing to do is to come to the person who has offended you and try to work it out. It may just be there was a misunderstanding somewhere. Completely separating yourself from them without allowing them to even know that you offended them doesn't resolve anything. No one can apologize and make things right if they never know they have done someone wrong. 

The past few days of self reflection has reminded me in a big way that I have not yet arrived...I am still striving daily to live the life God wants me to live and be the Christ like person he wants. I fail sometimes to live up to the standard. ---especially that others want. I do not ever want to hurt or offend people around me..especially those I care about and those in the flock God has given to Bob and I. It grieves me to know when someone is upset with me even if we have had an argument and I was also upset and angry. I don't like conflict between me and others. 

Ok, so this post was somewhat strange and was sharing my heart but sometimes my blog is for my own therapy. I know I cannot dwell on my mistakes, I must forgive myself as I know God has and move on whether the other person forgives or not. All I can do is apologize and try to make it right.