I chose the title of this post because I am apparently stubborn as a mule when it comes to doing what the Lord wants. This is not the first time He has brought me to the brink of death to get my attention and move me in the right direction.
I have been quite backslidden the past 2 years or so, especially in attitude which then effected my works. I admit that I have not witnessed as I should and allowed myself to become jaded and cynical when it comes to dealing with flawed people. I felt I wasn't having an impact as a pastor's wife no matter how hard I tried during the last 6 years of our ministry. The last 2 years my effort became progressively less as I allowed myself to become discouraged at seeing what I felt was no influence or impact in others. Yes, I know that God only asks for faithfulness not success. I also know that you cannot make people do the right things or care or make right choices in their lives but you hope that as you try hard to live Christ-like before them and to teach them God's Word that something will impact. I know that this is something that most people in ministry struggle with and I am watching it play out as a layperson and not the one in charge currently. Even large churches are struggling to see pews full, get volunteers to commit to anything or help in any way and seeing the faithful few become battered and worn out. It has been somewhat comforting to know that it wasn't just us and that most churches are struggling. I suppose it's a sign of the times. It's not that the world cares nothing about God and His Word, but it seems many Christians do not care either. It's a "me first world" and "my wants world" and that has changed the church world which in turn has allowed our country as a whole to turn their backs on God.
OK back to my title. I didn't even realize I was being a mule and so backslidden in my work for the Lord. I only knew I was exhausted and feeling like it was all fruitless. When you're heart turns negative and cynical you begin backing up and no longer being prompted by the Holy Spirit or you start ignoring the Holy Spirit. I know now that's what I was doing. When God has you teetering between life and death and you are coming to grips with the possibility of leaving this world and your loved ones, it gets real, quickly! I had peace once I decided I was OK with dying or living which ever God chose. When He decided to miraculously heal starting the next day, I knew once again that God had a plan and purpose for my life. As I said, He has brought me to this point before and I have struggled for many years wondering if I was doing His purpose and plan. Going forward I no longer wonder. I am positive that I am to share my healing story and tell others about the saving grace of God through His son, Jesus. I am also going to try to stop being a mule. At least about listening to the Holy Spirit. Being stubborn has it's place. It also means I will not back up from standing on God's Word or telling others what it says. It also gave me determination in that hospital bed to set goals and fight to go home to my family. I did whatever the doctors told me I should to gain strength; eat, rest, sleep on my stomach to help my lungs. Doctors and even nurses told me that my goals weren't attainable. (It was to go home by that weekend) I even resided myself to what they were explaining to me and that it would not be until the next week. However, I DID go home on that Saturday! The doctor admitted it was miraculous and said I was the first from their hospital to be so close to death and then recover and was amazed at how quickly. I told her it was God healing. It was all Him.
Sometimes we wonder why God uses such drastic measures to reach some of us. I believe He does whatever He has to do. I also believe that sometimes it has less to do with us and more to do with those around us. It helped my husband and kids pray like they never had before and it taught them and my grandkids to trust God. And I will continue to use my experience to help to strengthen their minds and hearts toward trusting God no matter what God chooses. There is so much peace in this and ultimately we get no choice anyway. Why fight God? Obey Him, and have peace in trusting Him.
Hopefully this made sense. It took quite awhile to write as I tried to focus my thoughts.
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