Just some thoughts today about God. So often when tragedies come in this life and in this world people question "where is/was God during this"?
Welp, I'm here today to say that He is on the throne! He never leaves it just because you don't like or understand what is happening.
He was on the throne when he supplies my needs, gives me peace and comfort, and blesses me when I don't deserve it. He is also on the throne when the trials come. He was on the throne when I was 12 years old and told that my dad had a massive coronary and died of hardening of the arteries. Though this changed my life forever and hurt beyond belief, God still had a plan and a reason for it. I may not have liked it and still do not fully understand but I trust God with my life. He was on the throne when my paternal Grandma had a heart attack and then the paramedics revived her after she had already turned blue. She lived several more months after and then past away in her early sixties on the day after her birthday. He was on the throne when both my maternal grandparents died. He was even on the throne when my mom got cancer and fought it for 1 year and 2 months before passing into eternal life.
He is all powerful, all knowing, omnipresent (everywhere all the time), always just, always loving (even in his correction & discipline) and always merciful to me, his child. If I do not believe and hold to this notion, I will become bitter and angry at God and certainly will lack trusting him. I may tend to question every moment of my life, especially when the bad times come. I understand that He is still on the throne know matter what is happening in my life. Everything is ordained by him or allowed by him and it is for my good and/or for his glory. I realized a long time ago that much of what a person goes through in life has sometimes more to do with those around them than actually to do with them.
God doesn't take a vacation from being in control. CEOs and Presidents go on vacation and take breaks from being in charge at the company. God does not leave his throne of power ....EVER! Questioning God's reign of control and wondering if he forgot to use his power or love just because something bad happens is like questioning a parents love, power and authority just because a child falls down and skins their knee while holding the parent's hand. Were the parents still the authority? Did they love the child while they got hurt? Yes! But the parent is there to pick them up, dust them off, tend to the injury and hold them as they cry. God does the same for us.
We should not question where he is but just realize that he is still on the throne and in control.
June 19, 2014
June 12, 2014
Future Sighted
There are many people out there with vision problems. Some people are blind completely, some are near-sighted, some are far-sighted, some have cataracts, and some have just the "over 40" need glasses to read syndrome. (that is me!) No matter if you have 20/20 vision or one of the before mentioned eye problems; you still have a need to be "Future Sighted".
This year at Rock Solid Baptist Church (the one we recently closed) the theme for the year was Philippians 4:13 - "Pressing Toward the Mark". The idea was to not stop moving forward for Christ and to press towards Biblical Christianity. Bob got the opportunity to preach on Wednesday night while our pastor was out of town and he covered this topic. The sermon actually reminded me of our lives right now. While the points he made are very relative and applicable to my life, there was also a much deeper meaning for me. Some people do not understand the life Bob and I have chosen or the call on Bob's life to be a pastor and in full time ministry. Believe it or not, some women do not understand me following Bob wherever God leads him. They question me being willing to move (out of state if need be) or willing to place myself under so much stress or "fish bowl syndrome" that comes with life in the ministry. I reckon that from an outsider looking in or from a point of view of someone who may not be saved or at the very least not living their life pleasing to the Lord, I can sorta understand the questioning. However, for me I want to be used of God. I want to be in the center of His Will and I want when I am gone from this present world for it to have mattered that I was here. I want someday to hear "Well done thou good and faithful servant". No one will probably ever know how much this is a goal of mine. Most of the time I feel I fall short. That is probably a good thing or I may be tempted to get prideful and full of myself and not keep striving to do better. Because of this, I must be "future sighted". I must focus on rewards in heaven and not on treasures on earth. Sometimes life on earth is hard. Sometimes what God asks of us seems impossible or may even bring pain or heart ache but with heaven's view in mind I can know wholeheartedly that God loves me and wants what is good and best for me and this helps me remain future sighted. Don't get me wrong, I struggle some days with the not understanding and questioning but in the end I turn palms up and remember that no matter what happens here on earth....it is well with my soul! And...
I hope that this post will help someone to remember to be "Future Sighted" and keep heaven's view and reward in mind. This life is only a vapor ... just here for a short time and in the end only those things done for Christ will matter.
June 10, 2014
Low-Cal Stuffing Mix for Peppers
Made up this recipe for a diet Bob has been on. It is very tasty and I figured I would share it.
Ingredients:
Anaheims, Banana or Peblano peppers (preferrably large enough to stuff) Your choice!
1 lb ground turkey
1 small onion chopped small
1 T. minced garlic
1 pkg (8oz) FAT FREE cream cheese - room temp
1 16oz LOW FAT cottage cheese (I prefer small curd)
1 T. lime juice
1 t. chili powder
1 t. ground cumin
1 t. ground red pepper of choice
1 t. Cilantro (or to taste)
1 small tomato diced small
Preheat oven to 350. Brown turkey with onion and garlic til cooked thoroughly. Let cool. In mean time, mix remaining ingredients until well blended and then add turkey mixture. Refrigerate at least 1 hour and then stuff into peppers of choice that have been sliced open length wise and de-seeded. Place toothpick across to hold together. Bake in baking dish that has been sprayed with cooking spray. Bake til peppers are tender. Enjoy!
***This recipe is safe to eat on the Nutri-System diet if only two large peppers are eaten. It qualifies as a smart carb!
Ingredients:
Anaheims, Banana or Peblano peppers (preferrably large enough to stuff) Your choice!
1 lb ground turkey
1 small onion chopped small
1 T. minced garlic
1 pkg (8oz) FAT FREE cream cheese - room temp
1 16oz LOW FAT cottage cheese (I prefer small curd)
1 T. lime juice
1 t. chili powder
1 t. ground cumin
1 t. ground red pepper of choice
1 t. Cilantro (or to taste)
1 small tomato diced small
Preheat oven to 350. Brown turkey with onion and garlic til cooked thoroughly. Let cool. In mean time, mix remaining ingredients until well blended and then add turkey mixture. Refrigerate at least 1 hour and then stuff into peppers of choice that have been sliced open length wise and de-seeded. Place toothpick across to hold together. Bake in baking dish that has been sprayed with cooking spray. Bake til peppers are tender. Enjoy!
***This recipe is safe to eat on the Nutri-System diet if only two large peppers are eaten. It qualifies as a smart carb!
May 22, 2014
Loss Must Be Dealt With
Had this post idea rolling through my mind for several days but didn't have a chance to develop the thoughts into coherent ideas to put in type. It first stemmed from this thought...Life pushes you forward no matter how much you want it to stop for awhile. It has already been 6 weeks today since we closed our church. That doesn't seem possible. Staying busy has kept some of the mourning down. There was the packing and emptying of the church building along with decisions about where to attend church and serve until we see what God has planned for us. There was getting our house organized enough to bring stuff home from the church building. The new church we are serving in has had things quite active already with a ladies meeting, cooking for a funeral, two day soul winning class, and nursing home ministry one Sunday. Bob has also been a couple times with the pastor to visit some folks who had visited the church from our church. That doesn't even count getting a garden in, babysitting Amelia (my niece) and just daily life of living.
I thought that I was pretty much over the mourning process of losing our church but I don't think I fully am. I have been overly emotional this week. I know the old saying of staying busy ... especially for others when you are down or hurting and this is good advice. However, at some point you must deal with the loss you have experienced in order to move past it. People in general face so much loss in a lifetime (some more than others) that it is actually quite amazing at how well we as the emotional beings God created us to be, are able to adapt and move on. (now I know that there are some who struggle in this area and maybe don't deal and move on but most people do)
Loss doesn't have to be just the death of a loved one. Loss can be loss of a friendship, marriage, job, home, children growing up & leaving home, pet, reputation, honor, vehicle, health, mind, business, identity, vacation you thought you were taking, and the list can go on. Whatever the loss you may experience, at some point you must acknowledge it, mourn over it (for however long necessary), accept it and then move on forward in life somehow and someway. This is easiest when leaning on God for your strength and close loved ones, too. There may be times when you remember the loss after moving past it and the mourning may return for a time. Usually when it returns you are able to pull out of the slump and mourning faster than when it originally happened.
Either way, the above process still applies. It is ok to cry over the loss and wish it wasn't so but eventually you must dry the eyes, take a deep breath, accept what has happened and decide in your heart and mind to move on. You must take steps to get on with your life with the way God has allowed your life to be.
God knows what you are going through. He is there for you to lean on if you just do it. God knew Bob and I would start Rock Solid Baptist Church and that it would last 7 years and then He would move us somewhere else. We have decided that God was gracious in allowing us to even start the church to 1. Make a difference in lives in this area, 2. Gain experience we would not have gained in another way, 3. To be local and not out of state when my mom got sick with cancer. I don't believe I would have been able to handle that year and a half living 4 1/2 hours away from her and not helping in her care. That experience alone, has shaped and molded me forever for the future in ways that are too personal and too much to talk about now. Maybe someday another post will cover it.
So, like I said in the beginning...Life goes on ... Whether we want it to or not. Tonight the sun will set, and tomorrow morning the sun will rise...And hopefully so will I! ...Lord willing. Even though some days are hard, and I want to do nothing more than lay on the couch and cry; sooner or later I must get up and do and go on with life.
I thought that I was pretty much over the mourning process of losing our church but I don't think I fully am. I have been overly emotional this week. I know the old saying of staying busy ... especially for others when you are down or hurting and this is good advice. However, at some point you must deal with the loss you have experienced in order to move past it. People in general face so much loss in a lifetime (some more than others) that it is actually quite amazing at how well we as the emotional beings God created us to be, are able to adapt and move on. (now I know that there are some who struggle in this area and maybe don't deal and move on but most people do)
Loss doesn't have to be just the death of a loved one. Loss can be loss of a friendship, marriage, job, home, children growing up & leaving home, pet, reputation, honor, vehicle, health, mind, business, identity, vacation you thought you were taking, and the list can go on. Whatever the loss you may experience, at some point you must acknowledge it, mourn over it (for however long necessary), accept it and then move on forward in life somehow and someway. This is easiest when leaning on God for your strength and close loved ones, too. There may be times when you remember the loss after moving past it and the mourning may return for a time. Usually when it returns you are able to pull out of the slump and mourning faster than when it originally happened.
Either way, the above process still applies. It is ok to cry over the loss and wish it wasn't so but eventually you must dry the eyes, take a deep breath, accept what has happened and decide in your heart and mind to move on. You must take steps to get on with your life with the way God has allowed your life to be.
God knows what you are going through. He is there for you to lean on if you just do it. God knew Bob and I would start Rock Solid Baptist Church and that it would last 7 years and then He would move us somewhere else. We have decided that God was gracious in allowing us to even start the church to 1. Make a difference in lives in this area, 2. Gain experience we would not have gained in another way, 3. To be local and not out of state when my mom got sick with cancer. I don't believe I would have been able to handle that year and a half living 4 1/2 hours away from her and not helping in her care. That experience alone, has shaped and molded me forever for the future in ways that are too personal and too much to talk about now. Maybe someday another post will cover it.
So, like I said in the beginning...Life goes on ... Whether we want it to or not. Tonight the sun will set, and tomorrow morning the sun will rise...And hopefully so will I! ...Lord willing. Even though some days are hard, and I want to do nothing more than lay on the couch and cry; sooner or later I must get up and do and go on with life.
May 12, 2014
Betrayal
What is betrayal? Ultimately it is when someone has been disloyal in some way, shape or form. Our pastor (we joined a church in Cuba to serve in until we understand where and what God wants us to do in the future), gave a Sunday school lesson on loyalty and disloyalty or betrayal. It was a good lesson. It helped me to see things in a new way and opened my eyes to times when I had been disloyal in the past that I didn't even realize. We can be disloyal to God, to our pastor, to our spouse, parents, kids, friends, boss and co-workers.
We can betray someone by not being there for them when they need us. A loyal person is there, they stand with them through hard times and good times. We can be disloyal by gossiping about people. We can be disloyal by making promises and then not keeping them. We can betray our spouse by talking negatively about them to others or to our kids. We can be disloyal to God by not going to church and listening when there, by not reading our Bible or praying or confessing our sins or by not witnessing to others about Jesus. We can be disloyal to God by not being involved at the church He wants us to serve Him in. This also makes us disloyal to our pastor. He may feel as though he is unable to motivate people, or as though there is a lack of love and respect for him. We are disloyal when we gripe and complain about our boss. We are disloyal when we talk about our co-workers or do not do our share of the work load.
Betrayal and disloyalty can take many forms and shapes. The ones already mentioned are what some would consider mild. Most people think of betrayal as when someone intentionally does something to harm another. One example is when a spouse has an affair. Another example would be when a friend spreads a secret around that was told in confidence or when one friend purposely leaves another friend out of a get together. However, the things mentioned earlier can be just as harmful. They can cause wounds to the heart and mind that will have lasting effects. Once a person has been betrayed or experienced someone being disloyal to them; it makes it hard for them to trust others. Walls of self-protection go up. Relationships are forever changed and future relationships are also effected.
When trust is broken it takes a long time to rebuild. ...Except with God. When we confess our sins then they are as far as the east is from the west, buried in the depths of the sea never to be remembered again. When we take any step towards God, He is ready and willing to move closer to us. The Bible tells us to draw nigh to God and he will draw nigh to you. James 4:8
Maybe this post will help you to realize that there have been times you were disloyal to someone. Maybe you didn't intend that to be the case but you still were. You can apologize and make it right and do your best to not let it happen again.
Just something to ponder.
We can betray someone by not being there for them when they need us. A loyal person is there, they stand with them through hard times and good times. We can be disloyal by gossiping about people. We can be disloyal by making promises and then not keeping them. We can betray our spouse by talking negatively about them to others or to our kids. We can be disloyal to God by not going to church and listening when there, by not reading our Bible or praying or confessing our sins or by not witnessing to others about Jesus. We can be disloyal to God by not being involved at the church He wants us to serve Him in. This also makes us disloyal to our pastor. He may feel as though he is unable to motivate people, or as though there is a lack of love and respect for him. We are disloyal when we gripe and complain about our boss. We are disloyal when we talk about our co-workers or do not do our share of the work load.
Betrayal and disloyalty can take many forms and shapes. The ones already mentioned are what some would consider mild. Most people think of betrayal as when someone intentionally does something to harm another. One example is when a spouse has an affair. Another example would be when a friend spreads a secret around that was told in confidence or when one friend purposely leaves another friend out of a get together. However, the things mentioned earlier can be just as harmful. They can cause wounds to the heart and mind that will have lasting effects. Once a person has been betrayed or experienced someone being disloyal to them; it makes it hard for them to trust others. Walls of self-protection go up. Relationships are forever changed and future relationships are also effected.
When trust is broken it takes a long time to rebuild. ...Except with God. When we confess our sins then they are as far as the east is from the west, buried in the depths of the sea never to be remembered again. When we take any step towards God, He is ready and willing to move closer to us. The Bible tells us to draw nigh to God and he will draw nigh to you. James 4:8
Maybe this post will help you to realize that there have been times you were disloyal to someone. Maybe you didn't intend that to be the case but you still were. You can apologize and make it right and do your best to not let it happen again.
Just something to ponder.
April 29, 2014
When God Sends a Train
I have never blogged about this topic before. It is because I have to open up and be very personal about my life and an experience in my past. In my old blog I had eluded to the subject a time or two but never felt pressed to share until now. I woke up in the middle of the night last night with the subject on my mind and felt burdened to write about it.
On February 16, 1985 I was in a car train collision at an unguarded railroad crossing in a small rural town. I was a passenger not the driver. The crossing was on a gravel road, at a strange angle and a driver had to pull up almost onto the tracks to see both ways if a train was coming or not. (Since then, the crossing was closed by the state due to its danger) I was 18 years old and a senior in high school. The driver was a friend of mine and had graduated the previous year. Before anyone jumps the gun wondering...no we were not out partying or anything like that. It was mid day as a matter of fact. Somewhere between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. (not recalling exact time) and had went to the local convenience store to get some food to eat or munch on. Imagine; a simple trip down a country road to get a Hostess Cherry Pie and my life was forever changed. There were two other passengers in the car. Both of them were 15 years old. Those two were best friends. One of those was my cousin who was riding in the back seat. The other boy was someone I considered a brother and who was the brother of my boyfriend at that time was sitting between the driver and me in the front seat of an old Valiant. I will not give lots of detail about any of the other passengers in the car because their business doesn't need to be made public by me. I will say that all of us sustained life threatening injuries and one of them (the boy I considered a brother) was killed instantly. His funeral was over before I was ever out of ICU and even told about it.
I don't know how else to tell this story but to continue now with the order and way that the memories come to me. When the group got into the car after shopping and started back to the home of my boyfriend at the time, my cousin had the bag of food in the back seat and was handing stuff to those in the front as we started driving off. We were reaching backwards over our shoulders (not turning around). Let me say that this particular day was unseasonably warm for February and so we only had on light jackets and the car windows were down (and no radio in the car). We were just talking. As I was opening my cherry pie we started across the railroad crossing. I looked over to my right and the front seat was directly over the tracks. Then I saw the big green train and its light coming straight at me. Now all I remember at that point was thinking I was going to die and planting my feet against the floorboard to brace myself in some way and shutting my eyes. (No one was wearing a seat belt ...and it was before seat belt laws). I remember hearing the boy seated between the driver and me laughing. My cousin distinctly remembers me screaming at this point and saying "OMG do something. OMG". (I said the driver's name, which I am omitting for privacy sake) (Please know that I don't use the term OMG anymore since trying to live a life pleasing to God)
Now, apparently the driver responded to my screams because I do remember feeling the car accelerate at this point. We actually almost cleared the tracks before impact but the train hit the back edge of the trunk of the car and threw it about 15 feet threw the air and the car hit the railroad crossing X sign and landed on its driver side. I and the boy in the middle were thrown from the vehicle. I was the first thrown out and landed actually across the gravel road from the car in the ditch. Paramedics said they actually only found me when they got on sight because they heard whimpering and thought it was probably a puppy.
At some point I could feel people touching and moving me and could hear noise around me but couldn't see at first. It was kinda like when you come out of anesthesia. Then I could see a man kneeled over me and I asked what happened. He said, "Honey, you were hit by a train." I chuckled and said, "Why am I alive then?" Then I was out. I came to again and the man was using scissors to cut my clothes off me to get to my injuries. I told them not to cut my Cross Country jacket and then I went out again. I don't remember the ambulance ride and only vaguely have memories of the first ER I was in.
Because of the seriousness of the injuries we were taken to separate hospitals so as not to overload any one of them. The boy who died and I were both taken to the closest hospital. By the time my mom and aunt arrived at the ER I was responding some...even talking. I don't really have much memory of this but I do remember them being there.
I remember asking about the others but don't remember being given much info except all is well. As soon as I was stabilized at that particular ER my mom insisted that I be transferred to their affiliate hospital in St. Louis where my cousin had been taken. The doctors fought her on it and she finally went ballistic and demanded it and told them that our families would need each other through all this and that we needed to be in the same hospitals. Finally, the hospital chaplain came in and reasoned with the doctors and they allowed me to go. I remember this ambulance trip some. Mostly just the jostling which was excruciating. When arriving at the second hospital my step-dad had also arrived and came to see me in the ER exam room. He took one look and went out and fainted outside on the sidewalk! He had to get stitches in his forehead and my mom had to go through all the paper work for him too! ha ha I was coherent enough when he came back in later to my ICU cubicle to notice that something was different about him but I couldn't figure out what. (He had a bandage on his head) So, I was in and out and not always sure of things. I remember always being asked my name, what day it is and if I knew what happened. I pretty much always gave the right answers which was a good thing.
OK, here is the list of injuries (just because I don't know where else to put them)...I had a broken right femur (thigh bone) for which I was immediately put in traction (which requires surgery), a slip fracture of the pelvic bone on the left (this could not be set because of all the other injuries so it is crooked and sticks out some in my back and causes my left leg to be about 1 cm shorter than my right...everything got shoved upward), five broken ribs, a ruptured spleen which also caused a collapsed left lung, a gash on my chin which needed stitches and a big gash on the back of my head near the crown but never received stitches but should have. My lung was tapped 3 times in 4 weeks because the spleen kept leaking blood. If it would have happened a fourth time they would have taken the spleen. Thank God that didn't happen. I was in ICU for 7 days and in the hospital for 17 days total. I was given a choice of remaining in the hospital in a body cast from the waist down for 6 weeks or having surgery to put a steel nail from my hip to my knee and going home in two days. Needless to say I voted for surgery! (the nail was removed in 1990 due to problems) It took a full year to be released completely from the orthopedic surgeon. During my hospital stay it was the most awful pain I had ever been in. I knew I had to breathe in order to live but every single breath brought pain. The pain meds wore off before more were allowed leaving gaps and catch up time between.
Now, when I went home from the hospital I was as close to a paraplegic as you can get without actually being one. I could not bend my right leg more than a couple inches but could move it from side to side a little. My left leg could bend some but could not move from side to side more than an inch or so. I began physical therapy weekly with the therapist coming to the house once a week and my mom did the exercises with me on the other days. At first I could only tighten the muscles and think about it but I got stronger each week. Doctors said I would not walk unaided by my graduation day (May 28), but I have a strong determination and told them "Watch me!" I was released from crutches 2 days before graduation day! I was wobbly but the guy I walked down the aisle with at the ceremony held my elbow to keep me steady. It was a victory for me and my family in many ways. I fought hard for that and God helped me through it all.
Doctors also said that I would not likely be able to have children because they didn't think the compromised pelvic bone would support carrying them. They were wrong again! God blessed me with two children even though both pregnancies were plagued with trouble. I had grown up wanting to have enough kids for my own baseball team but that was not to happen. I got a girl and then a boy. I had enough troubles during pregnancy that the doctor that delivered my son when he pulled him out by c-section said "One of each! You are now done!"
I know that this has been a long post but as those who are regular readers know, I don't like just sharing. I also like to help people to think and maybe even to encourage them. So, all that big huge long story to get to this....
That train that day made my journey through life take a detour. My mom and I always felt whole-heartedly that God sent that train to keep me from marrying the wrong man. I was promised/engaged to the brother of the boy who died in the wreck. I was supposed to get married the fall after I graduated. Because of the death of the boy and my own guilt the relationship didn't survive this tragedy and we broke up. God had to send a train to get my attention because like I mentioned earlier, I am determined and very stubborn (especially back then). Even though I had felt some uneasiness about the situation I was in with the guy, I shoved the feelings back and pressed forward. Really it was because I wanted desperately to be loved and felt no one else would want me. (the guy had helped plant those seeds of doubt in my mind but that is another post for another day) Those uneasy feelings that were plaguing me were whispers from God. ...The still small voice. God always starts with whispers and moves to strong winds and mightier winds and then tornadoes or freight trains or whatever will get your attention. I try hard to pay closer attention to the whispers of God in my life since becoming a Christian. It sure makes life easier! :)
The past several weeks have felt like another freight train has come. The loss of our church and part of my identity as a pastor's wife has left me feeling lost and unstable. It has been nice having a break from all the responsibility but it feels strange. I am, so far, remaining surprisingly calm about our finances. I am not sure how to pay the bills but am praying and trusting God to supply somehow.
I have had a few bluegrass songs and a couple others that have helped my wounded soul. Here are the lyrics to one of them...
On February 16, 1985 I was in a car train collision at an unguarded railroad crossing in a small rural town. I was a passenger not the driver. The crossing was on a gravel road, at a strange angle and a driver had to pull up almost onto the tracks to see both ways if a train was coming or not. (Since then, the crossing was closed by the state due to its danger) I was 18 years old and a senior in high school. The driver was a friend of mine and had graduated the previous year. Before anyone jumps the gun wondering...no we were not out partying or anything like that. It was mid day as a matter of fact. Somewhere between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. (not recalling exact time) and had went to the local convenience store to get some food to eat or munch on. Imagine; a simple trip down a country road to get a Hostess Cherry Pie and my life was forever changed. There were two other passengers in the car. Both of them were 15 years old. Those two were best friends. One of those was my cousin who was riding in the back seat. The other boy was someone I considered a brother and who was the brother of my boyfriend at that time was sitting between the driver and me in the front seat of an old Valiant. I will not give lots of detail about any of the other passengers in the car because their business doesn't need to be made public by me. I will say that all of us sustained life threatening injuries and one of them (the boy I considered a brother) was killed instantly. His funeral was over before I was ever out of ICU and even told about it.
I don't know how else to tell this story but to continue now with the order and way that the memories come to me. When the group got into the car after shopping and started back to the home of my boyfriend at the time, my cousin had the bag of food in the back seat and was handing stuff to those in the front as we started driving off. We were reaching backwards over our shoulders (not turning around). Let me say that this particular day was unseasonably warm for February and so we only had on light jackets and the car windows were down (and no radio in the car). We were just talking. As I was opening my cherry pie we started across the railroad crossing. I looked over to my right and the front seat was directly over the tracks. Then I saw the big green train and its light coming straight at me. Now all I remember at that point was thinking I was going to die and planting my feet against the floorboard to brace myself in some way and shutting my eyes. (No one was wearing a seat belt ...and it was before seat belt laws). I remember hearing the boy seated between the driver and me laughing. My cousin distinctly remembers me screaming at this point and saying "OMG do something. OMG". (I said the driver's name, which I am omitting for privacy sake) (Please know that I don't use the term OMG anymore since trying to live a life pleasing to God)
Now, apparently the driver responded to my screams because I do remember feeling the car accelerate at this point. We actually almost cleared the tracks before impact but the train hit the back edge of the trunk of the car and threw it about 15 feet threw the air and the car hit the railroad crossing X sign and landed on its driver side. I and the boy in the middle were thrown from the vehicle. I was the first thrown out and landed actually across the gravel road from the car in the ditch. Paramedics said they actually only found me when they got on sight because they heard whimpering and thought it was probably a puppy.
At some point I could feel people touching and moving me and could hear noise around me but couldn't see at first. It was kinda like when you come out of anesthesia. Then I could see a man kneeled over me and I asked what happened. He said, "Honey, you were hit by a train." I chuckled and said, "Why am I alive then?" Then I was out. I came to again and the man was using scissors to cut my clothes off me to get to my injuries. I told them not to cut my Cross Country jacket and then I went out again. I don't remember the ambulance ride and only vaguely have memories of the first ER I was in.
Because of the seriousness of the injuries we were taken to separate hospitals so as not to overload any one of them. The boy who died and I were both taken to the closest hospital. By the time my mom and aunt arrived at the ER I was responding some...even talking. I don't really have much memory of this but I do remember them being there.
I remember asking about the others but don't remember being given much info except all is well. As soon as I was stabilized at that particular ER my mom insisted that I be transferred to their affiliate hospital in St. Louis where my cousin had been taken. The doctors fought her on it and she finally went ballistic and demanded it and told them that our families would need each other through all this and that we needed to be in the same hospitals. Finally, the hospital chaplain came in and reasoned with the doctors and they allowed me to go. I remember this ambulance trip some. Mostly just the jostling which was excruciating. When arriving at the second hospital my step-dad had also arrived and came to see me in the ER exam room. He took one look and went out and fainted outside on the sidewalk! He had to get stitches in his forehead and my mom had to go through all the paper work for him too! ha ha I was coherent enough when he came back in later to my ICU cubicle to notice that something was different about him but I couldn't figure out what. (He had a bandage on his head) So, I was in and out and not always sure of things. I remember always being asked my name, what day it is and if I knew what happened. I pretty much always gave the right answers which was a good thing.
OK, here is the list of injuries (just because I don't know where else to put them)...I had a broken right femur (thigh bone) for which I was immediately put in traction (which requires surgery), a slip fracture of the pelvic bone on the left (this could not be set because of all the other injuries so it is crooked and sticks out some in my back and causes my left leg to be about 1 cm shorter than my right...everything got shoved upward), five broken ribs, a ruptured spleen which also caused a collapsed left lung, a gash on my chin which needed stitches and a big gash on the back of my head near the crown but never received stitches but should have. My lung was tapped 3 times in 4 weeks because the spleen kept leaking blood. If it would have happened a fourth time they would have taken the spleen. Thank God that didn't happen. I was in ICU for 7 days and in the hospital for 17 days total. I was given a choice of remaining in the hospital in a body cast from the waist down for 6 weeks or having surgery to put a steel nail from my hip to my knee and going home in two days. Needless to say I voted for surgery! (the nail was removed in 1990 due to problems) It took a full year to be released completely from the orthopedic surgeon. During my hospital stay it was the most awful pain I had ever been in. I knew I had to breathe in order to live but every single breath brought pain. The pain meds wore off before more were allowed leaving gaps and catch up time between.
Now, when I went home from the hospital I was as close to a paraplegic as you can get without actually being one. I could not bend my right leg more than a couple inches but could move it from side to side a little. My left leg could bend some but could not move from side to side more than an inch or so. I began physical therapy weekly with the therapist coming to the house once a week and my mom did the exercises with me on the other days. At first I could only tighten the muscles and think about it but I got stronger each week. Doctors said I would not walk unaided by my graduation day (May 28), but I have a strong determination and told them "Watch me!" I was released from crutches 2 days before graduation day! I was wobbly but the guy I walked down the aisle with at the ceremony held my elbow to keep me steady. It was a victory for me and my family in many ways. I fought hard for that and God helped me through it all.
Doctors also said that I would not likely be able to have children because they didn't think the compromised pelvic bone would support carrying them. They were wrong again! God blessed me with two children even though both pregnancies were plagued with trouble. I had grown up wanting to have enough kids for my own baseball team but that was not to happen. I got a girl and then a boy. I had enough troubles during pregnancy that the doctor that delivered my son when he pulled him out by c-section said "One of each! You are now done!"
I know that this has been a long post but as those who are regular readers know, I don't like just sharing. I also like to help people to think and maybe even to encourage them. So, all that big huge long story to get to this....
That train that day made my journey through life take a detour. My mom and I always felt whole-heartedly that God sent that train to keep me from marrying the wrong man. I was promised/engaged to the brother of the boy who died in the wreck. I was supposed to get married the fall after I graduated. Because of the death of the boy and my own guilt the relationship didn't survive this tragedy and we broke up. God had to send a train to get my attention because like I mentioned earlier, I am determined and very stubborn (especially back then). Even though I had felt some uneasiness about the situation I was in with the guy, I shoved the feelings back and pressed forward. Really it was because I wanted desperately to be loved and felt no one else would want me. (the guy had helped plant those seeds of doubt in my mind but that is another post for another day) Those uneasy feelings that were plaguing me were whispers from God. ...The still small voice. God always starts with whispers and moves to strong winds and mightier winds and then tornadoes or freight trains or whatever will get your attention. I try hard to pay closer attention to the whispers of God in my life since becoming a Christian. It sure makes life easier! :)
The past several weeks have felt like another freight train has come. The loss of our church and part of my identity as a pastor's wife has left me feeling lost and unstable. It has been nice having a break from all the responsibility but it feels strange. I am, so far, remaining surprisingly calm about our finances. I am not sure how to pay the bills but am praying and trusting God to supply somehow.
I have had a few bluegrass songs and a couple others that have helped my wounded soul. Here are the lyrics to one of them...
I Will Trust You Lord
It's funny how we do it, compartmentalize
We plan for success and try to pass the pain right by.
But it just doesn't work that way
God has a different plan,
He works in ways we'd never see
Beyond the scope of man.
Chorus:
When the journey takes a detour unexpectedly
and I try to accept and understand what it all means,
when I'm pressed to show the world
what I really believe, I will trust you Lord.
When my heart begins to faint because
I see a life so fray,
and I my soul cries out "Oh Lord how long can
I keep this at bay?"
In the fiercest part of battle,
When my feet don't want to stay
I will trust you Lord with my life.
I may not understand it, and even question why.
What good can ever come from this
has even crossed my mind
but God's teaching me to trust Him more
as He works His will in me
I rest securely in his care
and surrender sure is sweet!
Chorus
This song says what you need to do when God sends a train. When He sends a detour unexpectedly you must trust Him with your life.
April 24, 2014
Palms Up
Let me say that I have blogged about this topic before but not sure if on this blog or my old one. Either way, it is on my heart lately and I was reminded of it during the message at church last night, so I'm writing about it again. I'm sure there will be new ideas displayed in this post that are different than the last time I posted about it.
The way we humble ourselves to God is to submit. It means to decide to allow God to work in us and through us however He chooses to work. Often times this experience is painful for us but we must just remember His love for us and that He is molding, shaping, strengthening and teaching us. If we remember this, then it is easier to not fret and to allow whatever is happening to happen. Even if we don't understand what is going on, remembering these facts will help us. Acceptance goes such a long way to peace.
Did you know that a clenched fist cannot give?! It can not give a handshake to someone, help to someone, or money to someone. The only thing a clenched fist can give is a punch. To give to someone else, you MUST let go. You must open your hand or fist. Last night at church, I was sitting there and was reminded by the Holy Spirit that I needed to open my hands and turn my palms up to God. (I did physically do this a couple different times during the service) For me, doing this is just a big reminder that my life and future are to be given over to God and that I cannot control everything around me. Turning palms up says "OK God I leave it to you". I cannot fret about how we will pay the bills after a salary loss. I cannot fret about where or if we will be in full time ministry again. I cannot fret about whether I will get to live near my future grandchildren. I cannot fret about mistakes made during our 7 years at Rock Solid Baptist Church or the what ifs or if onlys. I must just wait on the Lord and rest in Him. I can only serve Him today with the opportunities and talents He has provided just as I served Him before. Only this time I can work at serving better.
Sometimes we hold such grips on things in our lives that God must pry up our fingers because we are unwilling to open our hands and give it over to Him. Sometimes He prys up our fingers one at a time and gently but other times He may rip the thing we are so tightly holding right from us very abruptly. It can be finances, health, a loved one, job, home, etc.
What is it that you are holding on to so tightly? Do you need to turn palms up and let God take over? Just something to consider.
Sometimes we hold such grips on things in our lives that God must pry up our fingers because we are unwilling to open our hands and give it over to Him. Sometimes He prys up our fingers one at a time and gently but other times He may rip the thing we are so tightly holding right from us very abruptly. It can be finances, health, a loved one, job, home, etc.
What is it that you are holding on to so tightly? Do you need to turn palms up and let God take over? Just something to consider.
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