Roller Coaster Rides

I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride off and on for a couple months and then I thought I had gotten off on November 22.  Twenty four hours ago I was shoved back on... unwillingly ... yet there I was yesterday on my 30 year wedding anniversary getting a phone call from my primary care physician's office telling me that there were abnormalities on my mammogram and ultrasound report and it was being recommended that I see a breast specialist and see if they thought I needed a biopsy. I was in such shock that I really didn't ask questions but gave permission to set up a referral to the specialist. I then decided to call back a little while later and discuss it. I was told it was routine to set that up when everything wasn't completely normal. However, when I had gone for the testing, of which was extensive, the radiology Dr. told me she saw nothing that concerned her and that she wanted to put my mind at ease. Naturally, I was confused by the phone call yesterday. 

---Jump ahead to today...this afternoon I got a letter in the mail from the breast health center where tests were done stating that all appeared normal and to follow up in 6 months as per conversation on test day. Confusion began again. Now, I spent some time off and on in tears the past 24 hours and tried to keep myself from worrying too much. I started getting angry and decided to call my primary doctor's office to see what was up. After an almost argument with the receptionist and her insisting that the report they had (which she read to me and stated that they had discussed findings with me and my husband) --which they had! --- and she said they always refer patients to a specialist when anything shows up. I proceeded to explain to her when she didn't understand why I was confused or questioning the referral, that I was told about those abnormalities on the day of testing and that the doctor expressed she had no concerns at all. By the time I was off the phone with her it was left that she would set up referral and I could decline later when they called. Now, I was a teeny weeny upset and had trouble not blasting the woman. I finally said, "There is a mistake or misunderstanding somewhere. Either the radiology doctor had no business telling me on test day that there was nothing to worry about and then reported that there is, or you guys are misreading the results and scaring the crap out of me for no reason." 

I was so upset and crying that I called Bob and told him what happened. He suggested I call the center where the tests were done. My daughter said the same thing. So, I finally got through after several attempts and spoke to a very kind lady. She pulled my test results up while I was on the phone and read the report to me. She said she didn't know why they were making the suggestion to see a specialist. She then further told me that "this is a breast health center. If doctor would have had any concerns or thought you needed a specialist, you would have been taken off the table to her office immediately and had an appointment set up before I left the building. We don't mess around here with people's lives!" She then told me that the only recommendation was to follow up in May (6 months) and to do self breast exams each month to see if I notice any changes such as size or more soreness. If I do, I am to call right away. 

I am emotionally drained! I feel so tired! On the way to church tonight I told Bob even though I had good news I still feel like I am going to cry. 

I know that some may say that it is better safe than sorry. I understand that to a point but really? To order an appointment with a specialist and possible biopsy that is going to cost the patient money and stress waiting for that appointment. Seems to me unnecessary. Btw...when I was talking to the receptionist that wanted to set up referral, she told me that they may not even be able to get me in until January!!! I almost reached through the phone line! It took every ounce in me not to scream at her that it was inhumane to expect someone to worry that long over a possible cancer scare! ---Over the holidays! Really? How nuts is that?!!

I'm tired of this ride! I want to sail on some smooth water and just drift around awhile soaking in the sun, the air and the beauty God created not go on a fast paced, hilly, up and down, twist and turn ride that makes me cry and scream and feel relieved and calm and then start over again.

I know I am not the only one who has gone through something like this. We went through it several times when my mom got diagnosed with cancer but I want my roller coaster rides to be chosen by me and strictly for thrills and fun! No more forced rides! 

Putting Things in Perspective

The past couple months I've had a health scare. In July I found a lump in my left breast. I prayed and waited and tried essential oils but the lump wasn't going away so I finally told Bob about it in October. At this point, since it was breast cancer awareness month, I thought I'd try to get a free mammogram through a charity program since our insurance had run out at the end of August. We didn't qualify for a free mammogram and Bob set out to find us insurance. My doctor felt that the lump I was concerned about was probably not anything to worry about but she found another lump that concerned her. Insurance was purchased and I finally was able to have a mammogram and ultrasound yesterday. It turns out that they feel it is nothing to worry about but do want me to be rechecked in 6 months to keep an eye on things. It had been since 2002 for my last mammogram and so they want the recheck in 6 months to have a comparable. 

During these past few weeks, I have had lots of time to reflect on my life and think about the things that really matter. Think about dreams and goals that I have yet to meet. Think about things that are really important to me....to put things into perspective. To face my fears and doubts. To wonder about things I never did before and to realize my flaws, my vanity and weaknesses. 

To talk about them openly would be difficult because they are so personal. It would potentially cause hurt to others and may lower other's opinions of me. I could make a list of things I have realized about myself but I will refrain for now. Who knows, maybe someday I will feel compelled to share the details.

One thing for sure, is that a cancer scare will make you do some self evaluation, reflecting on life and realize what's important. No one is guaranteed tomorrow so make the most of time with loved ones. 

One thing is interesting to me. For this whole past year, I have been taking steps to become healthier and then I had this scare. At first, I really focused on natural cures and keeping myself from things that are known to feed cancer. Then, as time ticked by, and I felt like no one else close to me was concerned and had thoughts of "I may not have much longer so why deprive myself of things I love and enjoy". I started allowing things back into my eating habits and now that the scare is over, I must purge those things again, such as sugars and gluten and soda. 

Yep, cancer puts things into perspective. It puts it into persepective even if it is not you but someone you care about. However, it hits differently when it is you. Even when you have strong faith, your mind plays out things and you ponder many scenerios. See, I believe completely that God can work miracles and often does but it doesn't mean He WILL heal. I had prayed the entire time that it be nothing but if it was, that God strengthen me and use it to glorify Him and that natural and alternative methods would be shown to work. 

More Than Prayer

Last night Bob preached on America's Greatest Need----intercessory prayer. Very convicting. I agree that what this country needs is someone to stand in the gap and make up the hedge and call out to God on behalf of the welfare of the country. Secondly, what's needed is obedient Christians! God blesses obedience and He considers it more important than sacrifice. 

Now, as we were flipping to different places in our bibles last night and reading different examples of intercessory prayer, I noticed something. The different people praying to God, were not just praying; they were pleading and REASONING with God. They were explaining why God should grant their request. Moses did, David did, Jacob did, and plenty of others. Some were reminding God of His promises. Some were reminding God that to do what He intended would let other nations believe wrong things of Him or take away from Him being glorified. The point is, they didn't just ask in prayer for what they wanted...they reasoned with Him. They gave good points as to why He should grant the request. Some people say we should pray once and let it go and leave it to God. Well, the bible tells us to pray with persistence. (this means more than once) It also gives examples of pleading and reasoning with Him. All is given for our example, so maybe we should do more than pray.... maybe we should make our case before Him. Just something to think about.

As Time Goes By

Well here it is November of 2016 already. What a quick year! It's funny how fast time goes by after high school. One day you are at graduation wondering what the future holds and the next you're half a century old looking back at all your life has held and wondering how many more years are in your future. All of us go through so many changes in life just living day to day. Some have grand adventures and experiences but most people spend their lives going to work. getting married, having children and raising them, and doing our best to live happy, healthy, productive existences. There is nothing wrong with that....it's life. It's what makes up the fabric of our day to day. See, this is what makes up the dash between our birth and death. The everyday. Yes, there may be special and exciting days but mostly it's the daily routine that makes us who we are.

Lately, when I attend a funeral and look at the photos and videos of the deceased person's life, it reminds me that what someone was at the end of their life, isn't what they always were. Choices throughout have molded them into who they became. You find out that they were once young with dreams and ideas about their future. You find out what kind of person, husband or wife, father or mother they were. You can see how life has changed them physically. Their young skin and youthful hair color gives them a different look than when they are aged. 

As time goes by, live each day, even in the daily routine things, as though it is special....Because it is! It's what makes up who you are...the fabric of your life. Some day, people will gather to celebrate your life and mourn the loss of you and those pictures and videos and stories about you will be the story of YOU. None of us are who we once were ... hopefully, we are learning new things, growing intellectually, lovingly, and spiritually.